Dhoom 3: A detailed pictorial summary of an incredibly shitty movie

Hey guys, forgive me for starting off a negative note but fuck Dhoom 3.

I have wanted to say that for a bit. Now that I have that off my chest, let me me save you some money by playing Dhoom 3 for you in this blog in pictures and words. Trust me, you’d rather read this than waste your money watching Dhoom 3, which in my humble opinion, should have been named more suitably, like:2

- Bikes And Shit
– Don’t Watch This
– Fuck Logic
- Worst-Year-Ender-Movie
– Stupid Cops

Or simply,

- WARNING: Contains Traces of Bandanna-Sporting Uday Chopra

[SPOILER ALERT! Although if you do decide to watch the movie, you have already chosen a spoiler.]

Let’s go!

So Dhoom 3 opens with a hazel-eyed little boy pawning his possessions for $25 in Chicago (1990).

Little Sahir (baby Aamir Khan) is doing this to save his father’s circus which will be auctioned off by the bank if they don’t have money in time.

Dad (Jackie Shroff) has other plans. He tells Sahir that he will be performing “the greatest trick ever” later that day to impress the bank guys, which will surely woo them so much, they will be forced to let The Great Indian Circus go on.

And so the father and son duo perform the coolest tricks, like, ever…in their dictionary because these were pretty basic tricks.

Seriously, a shitty magician at a kid’s birthday party can do that.

So anyway, the bank guys give their verdict.

“Tumhari aisi ki taisi” (fuck you) says Mr Iqbal, and shoots himself like the true piece of shit for a father he was, leaving brown little Sahir to fend for himself alone in hostile America.

Years later, Sahir is a well-built young man who has not changed at heart and height.

By now, Sahir has turned from a magician’s tricky son into a tricky abnormally skilled thief, who can single-fucking-handedly defy nearly all laws of physics and rob a bank in such style that dollar bills begin to rain on poor people out of all the bank’s windows. All without a ski-mask. (#LifeHack?)

This is followed by a police chase, obviously because 1) it is the second robbery at this bank, and more importantly 2) it is a great chance to stuff in bike stunts. Bikes fuckin’ rule.

Annnd to no one’s surprise, Sahir gets away with it because American cops are just so incompetent. They do, however, notice something strange about the robberies. Both the times, the perpetrator writes something in Hindi on a wall and leaves a circus-y mask.

Meanwhile in India, some goons are harassing what looks like a hanging turd.

We find out that this hanging piece of poop is actually Ali (Uday Chopra), an undercover cop. His friend Jai (Abhishek Bachchan), another equally shit undercover cop, soon comes to his rescue in the most reliable of all vehicles – a rickshaw.

Obviously these guys suck at everything, so after enough stunts have been shot with the rickshaw, Ali goes phata-poster-nikla-hero on us all with a bike.

Wait, what the fuck happened there? Ali literally had Jai’s back two seconds ago, like he was practically BEHIND Jai, but he managed to get a bike from somewhere and break through a billboard to rescue his buddy? Almost like a magic trick. He could very well be Mr Iqbal’s bastard child. Anyway…

So next we see a hot young woman called Victoria receiving Ali and Jai at an airport in Chicago. Obviously, she came on a bike because that is literally the main character of the entire film – a vehicle. Mind you, Ali can’t speak English for shit. He immediately has a crush on Victoria.

WTF are these guys doing in Chicago, you ask? Well, American cops apparently do not know jack shit about a possibly Indian robber. That is why they’ve called these two guys, who have on their professional cop records the use of a fucking rickshaw to save the day.

Ali and Jai will be investigating the bank robberies, you guys!

Meanwhile, Sahir is looking for a female dancer/singer/circus performer who has a nice butt and perky breasts a lot of passion for being in the circus. Enter Aaliya (Katrina Kaif). Sahir tells her that she will be hired if her audition is so impressive that he cannot take his eyes of her.

Obviously Aaliya chooses a very high skill-level act that truly shows her passion for song/dance and the circus. She strips.

The bank robbery investigation team has begun their investigation. For now, they know three things:
1. The robber is an Asian (Indian)
2. “He’s an amateur” (Right, Jai, he only got away with like TWO BANK ROBBERIES)
3. He’s a master of escaping.

Jai tells the bank owner that he hopes the robber strikes again as this will be the perfect chance to catch him. Then, of course, like a responsible cop, Jai goes on to saying on national fucking television that if the robber tries to rob the bank again, it would be a suicide mission.

Oh, and guess who the bank owner is…

14

So anyway, Sahir sees this on the telly, and in an attempt to draw absolutely no suspicious attention to himself, he goes to Jai and says “Main chor hoon” (I am the robber), followed by “LOL JUST KIDDING. I meant I KNOW the guy who committed this crime.”
Jai is a little suspicious now, but Sahir confirms him that he can be trusted.

He tells officer Jai that the robber is his friend and works as a circus performer. This robber stays very quiet and has been nicknamed “Chup Chaap Charlie”. Charlie masters the art of disappearing in one corner and appearing in another and this has got to be him. But no one’s seen his face (right).

Jai welcomes him to the investigation. Fucking idiot.

Sahir is no fool. He has a fucking camera installed in the button of his waistcoat. He’s taking a look at the entire bank from the inside and recording everything. They have laid out blueprints of the bank for him to conveniently memorise.

So on April 1st, Sahir tells the investigation team that he will be busy because come on, guys, it’s April Fool’s Day and he’s a circus guy. He has a show to do. But he warns that Chup Chaap Charlie will commit the bank robbery today, because that would just be so cool for a clown to pull an April 1st prank like that.

And so everyone is on high alert on April Fool’s day when….

The bank is robbed. Cops find a masked Sahir on the roof but he obviously escapes with the click of a button and some cord-work.

There is no real security down there. This guy manages to get off the cord, get on a fucking vehicle (ought to take a couple of minutes) and make a run for it. He is soon chased by tamed chimpanzee Ali, and we see lots of bike action again.

Seriously, guys, Optimus Prime could masturbate to this shit. Too many bikes.

So now, the bike chase comes to a halt on a bridge which is over a lake or something. The bridge opens up, causing Sahir’s bike to gravitate towards the police cars behind him. But you know what he does? He pedals that accelerator and VROOM VROOM VROOM jumps off the bridge into the water.

AND HIS BIKE TRANSFORMS INTO A FUCKING JETBOAT. Is this guy prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse too?

So after what seemed like an eternity of boat chasing, helicopters and cars and stuff, Sahir gets away. But the team predicts that he will be present at The Great Indian Circus today.

Sahir has renovated the shabby circus hall and a grand event is being held.

And guess who else is alive?

Afterparty: The investigation team is sure that Sahir is the robber, but to prove it, they take his shirt off and check for bullet bruises (okay?). They find nothing.

Later, Sahir is seen talking to himself in the mirror, but the mirror’s moving differently.
HE HAS A TWIN! Who also looks slightly mentally challenged and is stammering.

All that magic Dad did? Boy disappears here, reappears there? I’m glad the bank guys called BS on that.

And hello, Sahir, way to taking advantage of your mentally handicapped twin Samar, man! He got shot in the shoulder!
Also, Samar has developed a crush on Aaliya – the female flamingo at the circus.

So anyway, fucking finally, the bank owners tell it to Jai and Ali like it is.

As we all know, for every dismissed/suspended Bollywood cop who does not get back to solving the case unofficially, a kitten is killed. Of course, the guys have not given up and decide to solve the case anyway. Obviously Victoria – their fellow investigator – has decided to join them because she is just that simple-minded.

All I will tell you about this part is that Uday Chopra has been a serious fucking threat to my sanity throughout.

Jai and Ali sneak into the Great Indian Circus building dressed as (I think?) janitors. They find out that Sahir has a double who is only allowed to get out on Sundays; he stays in a “box” for the rest of the week. What kind of a selfish bastard treats his brother like a Pokemon, you ask? Sahir kind of a selfish bastard.

Anyway, on a fine Sunday morning, Jai dresses up as a hungry hobo and befriends Samar, the mentally challenged twin, at a park. And everything about this escalated rather quickly (thank God).

Meanwhile, Sahir is planning another robbery at the last branch of the Western Bank of Chicago. Okayyyy, so this huge ass Western Bank of Chicago has four branches in total… Wow, why the fuck would you even want to ruin these guys? Clearly they are not doing well at all.These bank guys must be piss-poor if they only have four branches in like three decades.

Samar is turned against his brother after his hobo friend finally shaves and pulls this shit:

I still don’t know how the words “Aaliya likes Sahir” did not give birth to one fucking grain of suspicion in Samar’s mind. He never asked how this dude found out about his bro.

And so Samar goes home and insists on performing with Aaliya on stage, because a stripper’s heart is made of gold and he wants to win it.

Unexpectedly, Samar’s performance goes very well.

And by the end of the act, Aaliya (who thinks she’s dancing with Sahir) lovingly says, “Tum toh pooray paagal ho, boss.”

AWWWWKKWWWAAAAARRRRDDDDD (since dude is legit mentally challenged).

She admits there is a spark like never before and asks Samar out. Also, she gives him some awful advice, staying true to her stripper origins.

Aaaannnd the long awaited signature Bollywood brother-rivalry-over-girl begins.

Wow, way to being a bitch, Sahir. He even slapped him a minute later!
Despite the fight, the date plan with Aaliya remains undisturbed.

Behind closed doors, an unwanted investigator, Inspector Jai Shitworth, holds a meeting with bank owner Mr Anderson and tells him about how the robbery is linked to The Great Indian Circus suicide 25 years ago.

Yeah, I don’t think Mr Anderson gives a shit.

On their date, Samar and Aaliya have had a great time. She tells him he has two personalities (one being her boss, and the other this sweet guy). When asked which side of him she likes best, she says something rather prophetic and with dual connotations.

(She doesn’t say this exactly but it’s so fitting. I love Pokemon and puns)

On his way back home, Samar bumps into his hobo friend who reveals that he is actually a cop but willing to help.

But there is a surprise… Samar is actually… SAHIR!

Sahir reveals he had been doing some detective work and found out that Samar was friends with Jai.
No one knows who to trust, everything is questionable. Questions questions questions…

Like how fucking long is this film?
Why did I ever decide to write this piece?
Why did Aamir commit this amazing careericide?
What is in the fridge?
Am I out of flaming hot Cheetos?
Is there a life after death?

While I was caught up with these mysteries, this jaadugar ki nasal Sahir somehow tied up officer Jai to a roller coaster track (wtf) and told him he was off to commit his robbery.

Jai struggles to escape as a roller coaster advances towards him, but just in time, his faithful human-friendly chimpanzee Ali shows up and unties him.

The Jadugar Bros are on their way.

As usual the SWAT team and Jai and Ali are late to the building. Sahir has already made it to the top and has released an extremely toxic gas that is making SWAT guys drop like flies! They have to be carried outside the building immediately.

That’s when Jai sees something…

Wise enough to take their SWAT masks off just a few feet away from the building are Samar and Sahir. They push a button and blow up the building.

Can I just stop and say that mankind has never seen cops as incompetent as Jai and Ali, now known to me as Sack-o-shit 1 and Sack-o-shit 2. Seriously, who hired these guys? I thought cops did well after being dismissed.

This film is not about the sheer genius of magical circus twins… Not at all. It is about the sheer incompetence of two magically shit cops, one of whom is definitely a tropical monkey.

Can you guess what happens next?

BIIIIIKE CHAAAASE!!!!

The twins are literally flying.

Of course, they escape after coming face to face with Jai and Ali, who wasted about 50 seconds making small talk with the twins.

The next morning a SWAT helicopter spots the twins in a mountainous area on top of a bridge. As soon as they speed up their bikes, someone steps out of the helicopter to shake up Samar.

The fear of having finally been caught has, for some strange reason, made Sahir look even more like a leprechaun. (Those ears, that nose?!)

Sahir decides resistance is futile and has a man-to-man conversation with ACP Jai.

He says he will surrender and give Jai evidence against himself stored in a USB too if he lets Samar go.

Needless to say, Jai, the insufferable oaf, makes the deal without checking the contents on the USB. But, anyway…
Samar and Sahir have a last conversation before Sahir surrenders… By which I mean jump off a fucking mountain bridge to kill himself.

Obviously, it cannot end like this.

OH NO THEY WON’T DO WHAT I THI–

So, guys, like I said earlier.. Fuck Dhoom 3.

356 thoughts on “Dhoom 3: A detailed pictorial summary of an incredibly shitty movie

  1. Love your review. Just to add a point to it, indian cops dont need helmets or protective gears to ride bikes or enter burning buildings anywhere in the world… only americans need it lol

    • you are one stupid fucking monkey just like Ali for saying such bullshit lol. India has literally the worst fucking police and traffic security EVER. lol go read!

  2. I had never enjoyed reading a review before! This was amazing!! Lol…

  3. The spoiler alert was rather liberal but a great blog altogether .. Enjoyed it !!

  4. haha… I was thinking of making a list of all the laws of physics that were defied in this movie, but then I dropped the idea.

  5. Pingback: Dhoom 3: A detailed pictorial summary of an incredibly shitty movie | ajaxhn

  6. I think songs were good otherwise there was no logistic aspect in the movie !

  7. WTF, is this a comic book story or what? i hate Indian action movies.

  8. Good try – i did not like the movie either, but the review is to test your own talents on “humorous” comments…Not working…Using fucking, sucking doesn’t make it critical or funny…This is just lame.

  9. This is such a brilliant depiction of what the movie was in reality. The amount of stupidity we showcase in our movies is an embodiment of the fact that we go after fame, glamour and flamboyance rather than substance and realism. I really hope you continue this, and the people who make such a movie feel ashamed of themselves. This was a master piece. Thank you for making this.

  10. Commercial cinema is crap everywhere. Lesser in the west, more in East. Bollywood still doesn’t compare to what Pakistani/Chinese/Thai/Vietnamese films pull off. But from the review above I can see this is copied crap version. The 2 brothers/magic etc. – The Prestige, the bank notes being dropped from the top of the bank – Man on a Ledge, bowler hat + Aamir Khan’s expressions – Jude Law in Road to Perdition (did he also play with a coin/something else during the movie?). Ms.Kaif is only offered movies to be ornamental, each successive song of hers she is made to wear tinier skirt+tank top vs the previous film. My one peeve with your reviews is that the spelling & grammar needs improvement if you want others to read it (and your blog’s going viral now).

    • Hey PJ,
      Thank you for reading!
      There are a lot of deliberate grammar/spelling errors added to this. This is to adjust memes and popular internet references. I’m sure I’ve left some in there unwillingly too. When I write for the paper, I make sure the grammar and spelling are close to perfect.
      Most of my readers are okay with this as it is supposed to be an informal blog. There is always room for improvement and I will work on it. :)
      Thank you for commenting!

      Imaan

      • Hi Imaan,
        Thanks for the reply. What you’ve created takes a fair bit of effort as well (only a shade less than The Vigil Idiot who draws it all himself, albeit using matchstick figures).

        I used to do more serious reviewing of films (Hollywood/International cinema) many years back but gave it up for other pursuits. When some films deserved sarcasm I didn’t spare them ;-). Your sense of humour will connect well with a wider audience band. It’s good you are writing such entries based in a free country (considering where I think you’re from), does your viewing go beyond South Asian cinema? There are a few Hollywood films that could do with such treatment as well :-)
        PJ.

      • Hey there! Thanks for commenting. I’m from Pakistan. :-) Yes my viewing goes beyond it I love watching films from all parts of the world, but so far have only reviewed Hindi films.
        Thanks once again!

      • I have read a review so accurate in my entire life. Bollycrap is written by goofs who are totally retarded as this piece of craps proves. I just wonder why the fvck people watch this shit.
        Do more of reviews. 99%.movies coming out of Bolly are crap so you will never run out of material. Lol!

      • Hey Imaan, damn i love you! you are one of the most epic and hillarious brown writer ive come across. jesus id totally marry you after reading this blog.

  11. Awesome!
    I love pokemons too!
    Nicely done (Y)

  12. These are amazing! Please do one on Khabie Kushie Khabie Gham and other 90s-early 2000s movies! Love it.

  13. Two fully retard psyduck and an officer Jenny would’ve made the piece of shit way better than the crazy duo and ACP (Abhorent Crap in Police) Jai. :/

  14. Dude plz publish more of these..have gone thru all the three of urs..viz d3, jai ho & ddlj..eagerly waiting for many more

  15. Finally someone who talks like me. Good one bro!

  16. Bwahahahaha! I actually laughed so much while reading this that my stomach aches..! Epic review (y)

  17. “Can I just stop and say that mankind has never seen cops as incompetent as Jai and Ali, now known to me as Sack-o-shit 1 and Sack-o-shit 2. Seriously, who hired these guys? I thought cops did well after being dismissed.”

    Just as a follow-up to this.. Jai and Ali actually stay true to their characters throughout the trilogy. 3 MAJOR bank robbers over 3 movies. And they don’t catch even one of them. They let them all jump off really high vantage points. And then go home to fail at their next assignment.

    Basically the Dhoom series = homage to how completely pointless these two cops are in the ONE JOB they are supposed to do!

    Epic review! :D

  18. hahaha…Hilarious !!!! Keep up the great work !!
    Loved the bit about calling U Chopra a tamed chimps….On second thoughts, i have nothing against chimps ;) :P ..shouldn’t insult them …

  19. ‘What is in the fridge?’
    Undoubtedly the most important question

  20. In a fair world, this review would make more money than Dhoom 3, simply owing to its more entertaining nature. But then again, that can be said about the post-its sitting on my desk.

    What I genuinely could not get over when I (for some godforsaken reason) saw this ‘piece of art’ was the reason Jackie Shroff committed suicide. So basically you borrow shit loads of money from a bank, you can’t pay back, they come for a legal effin foreclosure and you shoot your brains out.
    Main out ho gaya, to main bat leke ghar jaa ra hoon. Aur nai khelna!

    • the worst part about it is that he didn’t even stop to think for once ’bout his kids. what kind of a parent does tht??!! i mean this is like the reverse of 3 idiot’s teen suicides…. how selfish to give your life up bcuz ur dream wasnt fulfilled…. *majorly pissed at suicide reasons in movies*

  21. Dude….YOU are awesomee!!!! I’m like rofling!!! WOW

  22. I agree, this review is more entertaining than the film. And yes the suicide of the father is the weakest point in the plot. And still weaker is the fact that if Aamir Khan himself has revealed everything about him to the cops in this movie. It would have been different the cops came looking for him. And then after being such a mastermind he didnt have an escape plan… like what will i do if the robbery fails? etc etc… and just like that plunges to death… Then what was the whole point of taking a revenge against a bank.. the bank won fair square..And the twins .. like father like sons… Katrina poor thing will have to go through the acrobatic yet again in some other circus.. oh yeah.. why did they keep calling it a circus?…

  23. Pingback: Dhoom 3: A detailed pictorial summary of an incredibly shitty movie | manab sarmah's blog

  24. 2222222 good…super stuff…like ohsome.

  25. Imaan, i’m in love with your reviews. Like i really liked ddlj and mohabattein, but you made it more memorable for me and of course funny too. All my colleagues read your review together and we have a laughathon. Pls pls pls don’t ever stop.. continue making me laugh harder every time. <3

  26. LMAO Jai tied on the rails with the roller coaster heading towards him reminds me of that Tom n Jerry episode whr Jerry was tied to the rails of the toy train set…ROFL x’D x’D

  27. Love the way you make sarcasm out of anything n evrythng out of these movies :’D hatsss offf IMAAAN (/^_^)/

  28. if u know more about physics and found all mistake in this film.. why don’t u make a movie.. let’s see how many mistake in ur movie.. stop haters.. there are no movie without make mistake.. can u try to make a movie without mistake..

  29. please please do a Happy new year!!!

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