The Absolute Worst of Pakistani Comedy Ever

When it comes to Pakistani comedy, there aren’t many performers who manage to stimulate the cortex of funny in my brain. The LOL industry is sadly dominated by those who stimulate my fist into throwing a haymaker in their face.

These guys are so horrible that you can watch their shows all alone and still feel extremely embarrassed. Now there are way too many bad comedians than one blog can contain, and I honestly don’t know the names of many, but I would like to share with you how I feel about a few of them. The every-Pakistani-comedian-ever “Tera moo paani ke saanp/Peshawri chappal/Amreekan rhino jaisa hai” joke is capable of making me physically sick and all of the following guys have cracked this joke.

The list I am sharing with you today mainly comprises stand-up comedians and a few actors. I’ve nothing against Urdu comedy in general; I think Anwar Maqsood, Hina Dilpazeer (When she’s not Momo) and Sheikh Rasheed are funny folk. Let’s keep that in mind as we go through this list, shall we?

1. Irfan Malik and Ali Hassan

You may have seen this disastrous duo on Pakistani as well as Indian TV channels. They managed to win an Indian comedy show so they must be great.

Would pay top dollar to punch these guys with rusty iron knuckles on to ensure an infection.

I just don’t happen to see what’s so winningly hilarious about the following joke:

Ali: Mujhe teri mangeiter pe taras ata hai.
Irfan: Kyun?
Ali: Us ne itna puraana samaan pasand kiya
Irfan: Main kya itna puraana hoon?
Ali: Aray tu toh itna puraana hai, pehle dunya mein tu aaya, phir tere peechay kawwa tujhay dhoondta aaya KAAYE KAAYE KAAYE KAAYE KAAYE KAAYE KAAYE *FLAILING ARMS AND JUMPING BECAUSE JOKE*

My reaction: Chirping crickets followed by gut-wrenching embarrassment.

Sidhu Paaji’s reaction: “BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WAH, CHAH GAYA TU TOH!”

But it doesn’t stop there. Irfan Malik gets back at Ali Hassan by saying:

“Aray ye toh itna puraana hai, jab dinosaur ghooma kartay thay toh ye unki maalish kiya karta tha” *MOVING ARMS AROUND FOR FUNNY*

Needless to mention, Sidhu Paaji laughed his ass off over this shit.

I’ll have what he’s having. #80sSitcomFunnies

I am 80% sure that Navjot ‘Blazin’ Sidhu is stoned out of his mind when he’s playing judge on comedy shows. No one sober should be able to laugh their lungs out over something like this. It is unnatural and worrying.

Irfan Malik’s special joke is pretending to trip/fall, because let’s face it — what’s more funny than a guy tripping (a few times in every act he ever performs)? #DOOOINK #ROFLALACOPTER

I don’t mean to sound rude but I honestly believe that Irfan Malik and Ali Hassan should choose death as an option. At least they should die in spirit. But, hey, pushing them into a well or running them over with a small tractor won’t kill anyone — just critically injure these guys if everything goes well.

2. Shakeel Siddiqui

Recently re-popularised by his appearance on morning shows — which are a stab in the heart of human intellect anyway — Shakeel Siddiqui is a Karachi-based comedian who does not shy away from cracking perverted jokes at kids’ birthday parties (I’ve been to one), make unfunny attempts of hitting on morning show hosts, and wearing dark glasses inside a studio like a true idiot.

How can you not want to punch this face? Dude is just plain annoying and makes guests on morning shows uncomfortable. I can see as they try to force a laugh but fail with an apologetic look on their face.

3. Barkat and Uzmi

Barkat and Uzmi make another horrible TV duo.

Thankfully these guys are not stand-up comedians (at least I have been fortunate enough to not see their stand-up antics). However, the bad news is that after their piece-of-shit show Halka Na Lo — which I hope not even my sworn enemies come across while changing TV channels — they have been given their own talk show. It’s called The Uzmi Barkat Show.

I won’t go into detail about these guys. Let’s just end on the note that I’m surprised the word “maila” does not translate to “Barkat Ali Siddiqui” on urbandictionary yet.

4. Kashif Khan

Kashif Khan talks really fast. That’s about it. No, guys, seriously, there are no jokes he’s cracked for me to make fun of. Unless, of course, his talking really fast is his idea of a joke?

Hey wait, maybe I can try cracking a meherbaan-qadardaan-ugaaldaan Kashif Khan joke whilst also letting you know a bit about him? Here goes, read it as fast as you can:

Who is Kashif Khan?

AnIdiotWhoTalksReallyFastBecauseHeIsNotReally
FunnyAtAllIMeanSeriouslyGuysWhoTheFuckThinks
ThisIsFunnyItsKindOfOkayOneTimeButDudeMadeIt
ThroughSeveralEntireTVshowsDoingThisShitAnd
AlsoMadeMoneyOffItHowTheFuckIsThisShitFairTo
MyFuckingEarsICannotStandHisVoiceAnyMoreBrain
ExplosionIThinkIShouldStabHimRepeatedlyAtLight
SpeedBecauseThatWouldActuallyBeFunnyAndAGoodDeed.

*BA-DUM-TSS*

Hey, Sidhu Paaji, what do you have to say about THAT, huh?

Haha, really? OMG let me just do this again.

LookAtMeI’mTalkingLikeKashifKhanSoIMustBe
FunnyMaybeHeShouldBeOnAFuckingTalentShow
ButEvenThatWillGetBoringAsHellInLikeFiveMins
IThinkWeShouldHaveLeftTheseAssholesInIndia

So, Sids… Let me know how you like this joke IF you can breathe at all from laughing so hard because that shit was so funny, especially the 46th time.

Hah. Thought so. You fucking maniac, Sidhu.

5. Wali Sheikh:

Let’s start off by just clarifying that I am ashamed of sharing my last name with this man, shall we?

Uncrowned king of comedy because the crown keeps slipping off – no other reason.

Now for the jokes. Buckle up, guys, this man’s a funny one! Here’s an actual Wali Sheikh joke:

*talking about team mate during an act on TV show Comedy Kings*

“Ye toh itna paagal hai, iski ammi ne kaha kuch thanda pila do, is ne usay petrol pila diya!” *obviously followed by hitting his own head because that’s just so funny*

Annnd another one:

“Ye toh itna baywaqoof hai, hum jahaaz mein bethay thay, maine is se kaha air hostess khaana de toh usay paisay dena. Us ne khaana diya toh ye bhai usko 500 rupay denay gaye ke baaji paisay toh le lo!” *DRUM FUCKING ROLL FOLLOWED BY NO PUNCHLINE*

Potential Sidhu Paaji reaction to aforementioned jokes

6. Nabeel:

Dear Nabeel. Hi. You cannot make anyone laugh for shit. Bulbulay is already a terrible show, that’s just my personal opinion. You’re the cherry the on top of a shit sundae, especially because you produced it. And upon that unfortunate fact, you decide to play the main character. The world does not revolve around you, man. The whole breaking-your-voice-to-sound-funny thing? “JaAAaAnUuu!” Yeah, it doesn’t cut it. Also, it’s not just me. Everyone on set fucking hates you, like for real for real.

Just go back to plain old serious guy acting? Pretty please?

7. Aijaz Aslam

Aijaz Aslam is not a very good clothes designer but I forgive him for that. He’s an all right actor, so I guess that’s fine too. But as a comic character, Aijaz Aslam sucks nothing short of unwashed ass. He pulls the same thing Nabeel does — acting cute + weird baby voice + fucking terrifyingly strange body language.

Also, can someone tell me why he does this? [pic below]

What the hell is this posture, is it meant to be funny? Especially when paired with a really stupid voice? Hey come on, let’s try saying something witty for a change instead of sticking out your chest. So unladylike.

Also, you could just stick to designing clothes.

Here ends the list of the worst people in Pakistani comedy I can think of at the moment. Many of them I don’t know the names of.

Honourable mentions: Naseem Vicky, Amanullah, Parvez Siddiqi and obviously Sikandar Sanam – the epitome of fucking terribly lame. But he’s dead now so I guess he was okay, because that’s what happens when people die. They become okay and you can no longer pick jokes at them.

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33 thoughts on “The Absolute Worst of Pakistani Comedy Ever

  1. That was truly a nice read. It justify our feeling towards such lame comedy . Such comedian basically rely on “Juggat bazi”. And i am afraid they can’t even do that sensibly. But we got to accept the hard truth (which is undigestible) there are people with a sense of humour of low standard.And actually outnumbering others. check rating of Sheldon copper and you’ll know.

  2. tumhara koi deen imaan nahi

  3. I actually laughed more by reading the article than any of these goons have ever tried making me, beautifully put, imaan. Splendid job!!

    That sidhu rage laughter posts cracked me every single time!!

  4. Thanks for reading! 😀

  5. They all need to learn some class ke jokes from Imaan Sheikh.
    Seriously Shakeel Siddiqui, And Barkat/Uzmi are not funny at all. This show Bulbulay is stupid as well but my mothers laughs watching this show, so .. I am happy.

  6. And great article as always.

  7. 5 minutes of ‘anghan terha’ had more value than all this crap combined.

  8. Finally someone spoke my mind thank you sir

  9. not agreeing with you bro. list is not right the people you mentioned in your jokes are the one”s whom INDIANS are ripping off and you are listening and laughing when it is being sad by someone on the other side of the border

  10. well said, that was amazing

  11. That is an amazing take on what passes for humour these days, Imaan. If I am still there, expect a call to deliver a guest lecture in the Online Journalism class. Don’t take it as one of the lame jokes you have quoted above. This is on a seriously serious note. More power to the pen, girl. Count me among your fans.

    • Wow is that really you, sir? Haha thank you so much! I was kind of fearing you might stumble across my profanity-loaded piece and the faint remnants of my reputation would go down the drain, but this made my day! (sorry for the language still, I guess?)
      It’s a colossal honour to be considered for a guest lecture in your class! Thank you again.

      • I purposely steered clear of the language thing … especially after having read (enjoyed?) your piece on burger advertising. I can live with that rather than somebody writing sanitized things in horrible language. I am sure you know what I mean.

      • Hahaha yes, sir, I do. Had I an alternate (more civilised) method to express myself about those things, I’d surely have opted to use it. Thank you for reading the other piece too!

  12. Great article but the honorable mention with Nasim Vicky and Amanullah is a bit I dont agree with. Sure Amanullah in Khabernaak and now in that show that no one cares to watch is not at his best but on stage he was a riot. Same goes for Nasim Vicky. He is great on Punjabi stage (which is effectively dead now apart from lame shows in smaller cities like Gujranwala).

    • I guess Punjabi comedy doesn’t translate too well into Urdu. When Amanullah came to India to perform in laughter challenge, he had the same issue and came across as lame when doing his jokes in hindi (some cultural references were also lost on non-punjabi indians). But his acts intrigued me enough to check out more on Youtube and I’ve been a huge fan of old pakistani punjabi stage ever since.

  13. Amazing iman.. very nice article..
    can someone share this to them too? Like seriously. . We are destroying the meaning of comedy!

  14. Hahaha this is hilarious!
    I am glad I stumbled across your blog.

  15. Your writing skills are good but as far as your opinion goes i honestly disagree with it, you have exhausted the article with every mainstream comedian and hence committed to hasty generalization. Just because people like Shakeel siddiqui, amanullah and sikander sanam dont appeal to your sense of funny doesnt neccessarily mean thay are all lame!

  16. Holy shit! You are the bomb!! Again coming from the land that had comedians really rip every nuance of Umar bhai for a long tine, and now prop up and hold sacrosanct a ha-ha-surd in every show…even in the rib-tickling Kapil show shows how the laugh track has been humanized and essential comedy mediocretuzed …I cannot even comment on the guys you flamblazed….skreech…no i somewhat can as our ears bled too when they peddled their bile on indian TV a while back. But I’ll refrain, as I guess from the comments, to each his own – but man do I long for a day when we – in the barre sagheer – can have an Anwar Maqsood who can combine Colbert’s report with Dave’s retorts. Umar came pretty close (especially his 80’s cassettes), but then his Sharafat made him cannabalize himself at the end. May the God’s grant us a jester who endorphenizes us while speaking truth to power.
    BTW, your chat with your mentor HI, was most endearing – and he’s right, ur style will find adherents sans geography. Its just the combined pain we’ve all experienced in – yes again – the barre sagheer!

  17. that was spot-on! Sadly, as you have demonstrated in the article, pakistani comedy is still centered around the lame as hell ‘abey lyari ki kareena kapoor’ type of jokes that are rip-offs from SMS forwards and will likely be used in a Rohit Shetty film. Even the news programs that are occasionally funny, like BNN or the four-man show, focus on the much-tried news satire or parodies. So even when we have a plethora of comedians entering the ‘LOL industry’, there are no new and bold ideas coming in.

  18. Love your blog……cheers from India…..

  19. I never voiced my opinions about our comedians or comedy in general, I always thought maybe something is wrong with me because I have spent more time in foreign stuff than our local stuff, but this made my day. spot on. And I always tried to understand bulbulay whenever I saw it on tv because people at my place watch this shit.
    The sad part is, the only reason why there are so many of them is because people buy this shit. they will keep multiplying if this goes on.

    This was a good read Imaan.

  20. Imaaaan….im a girl, straight, married, pregnant…..n still falling in the ‘lowe’ with u darling *wildly flails arm about like an epileptic pigeon incase u didn’t get the falling part*….love this post especially cz now I know there is another person in the world who i can sit next to n NOT laugh at this unfunny crap!! Yayaaayyyy!!!!

  21. Saw this site for the first time today, and I’ve started worshiping you! Your takes on movies are fatally hilarious. For one day, I’ve been embarrassed enough for laughing out uncontrollably. Keep up the awesomeness lady.

  22. I really hope my dad never find out I follow your blogs
    he’ll ban me from using the internet for the whole life
    I MEAN COME ON! WHAT KIND OF A DESI DAD HATES SHAKEEL SIDDIQUI OR NABEEL?
    ROFLCOPTER DAD when the SAANPISKIAMMASEZEHERBHARKEJATAHAI joke hits-up

  23. This is a really long post but worth reading. You have undoubtly spoken most of our hearts out.

  24. Accidently I came across your blog. Your articles are awesome, don’t know whether you are. Often gloomy people write funny things.
    Anyways, I actually looked up to the videos of some of these guys. Hahaha….. You are right.

  25. Have u got any depression because sometimes when u r in depression u cant enjoy anything good too. I am agree with some of stuff but not everything.
    Amanullah, shakeel siddiqui, sikander sanam, wali sheikh all of these may sometime be not good but its also a reality that they have made their name as comedians internationally and thats not an easy job, they must have some talent that u r overlooking.

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