We Are All Aamir Liaquat

Just shedding some light on the FACT that everyone is actually just Dr Aamir Liaquat Hussain trapped in a different body.

 

You often secretly feel like a total boss.

 

More often than you should, actually. This is you after a presentation.

 

In fact, you’re positive you ARE royalty. 

 

You think you are smarter than everyone.

 

You cannot stand most kids but you have had to pretend you like them.

 

In fact, you sometimes wish you could give away that annoying kid in your family

 

When your jam is on the radio, no one can stop you from grooving.

 

Sometimes you can’t stop admiring what you see in the mirror

 

At some point, you’ve also posted a ‘Jummah tweet’ or Facebook status.

 

But you also love sweet, sweet subtweeting 😉

In front of your family, you’re a total angel.

 

When you’re with your friends, you swear non-stop and crack ridiculously sexual perverted jokes which you laugh your own ass off at

 

But when your mum tells you your female cousin was caught speaking to her ‘boyfriend’ on the phone…

 

You’ve pretended to read the news to look smart

 

This is you on the weekend. #IftaarShow

 

And this is you on Monday mornings. #MorningShow

 

This is you on Shabe Qadar….Or when bae doesn’t text back.

 

Sometimes you find yourself helplessly unable to give a fuck about things.

 

We are all Aamir Liaquat and it is high time we admit it.

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Jai Ho: A detailed pictorial summary of an incredibly shitty movie

Since I like helping people, I have pledged to invest time and money into watching terrible movies so I can warn others not to.

I went to watch Jai Ho last night.

Jai Ho is an excellent compilation of action sequences. Film critics claim that there is a plot somewhere in there too which I failed to see because I’m new to this. They say it’s the remake of a Telugu movie called Stalin, but at max it is a compilation of fight scenes and every early 90’s movie cliché ever.

If Dhoom 3 gave you a headache, Jai Ho is capable of giving you a highly malignant brain tumour because the former was one long lame story, but Jai Ho is a clusterfuck of too many little stories stuffed into a sorry excuse for a movie.

It all starts in a nightclub where bad music is playing, butts are swinging, and some chick is getting roofied by a bunch of ugly guys.

A girl calls the police and some feisty cops show up, who don’t squander the chance of grinding against some sexy nightclubbin’ babes before they attend to the problem at hand. Credits are rolling throughout the song.

But then something comes up that reminds me that getting through this film will be a punishment more than a challenge……

It is too late now…

So anyway, not to my surprise, those cops never arrested the potential rapists, who arrived the next day to kidnap the girl. The policewallahs even gave them the girl’s address because sharing is caring.

Here we also meet Crazy Aunty who is thrilled by the idea of being abducted by rich lads.

She lets the girl get kidnapped with a smile on her face because the abductors’ biggest nightmares is just a phone call away.

Enter ex-army officer, slow learner and brave rabies sufferer… Jai!

He smashes their car’s bonnet in with a bare fist and beats them black and blue in a long action sequence (which is only the beginning of more long action sequences).

Oh yeah, he bites.

After kicking an unbelievable amount of ass and feeding on human arms, it’s time to dance of course! Jai is joined by a surprise dhol band and surprise break dancers/cheerleaders. They all break into a very early 2000’s Missy Elliot music video-ish dance, except this song is loaded with socio-economic-political messages about how bad things are in the country. Seriously, dude managed to address to, like, 80% of India’s problems.

A couple of hours later when this song actually ends, we see that the crazy aunty we met earlier is Jai’s mom, who is keen on getting him married (obvious desi mom trait is obvious). However, they are not a very happy family because Jai’s sister, played by Tabu, married a man she loved despite her mother’s intense disapproval.

In fiery vengeance, mommy decides she will at least wed her son off with a girl of her own choice because winning is of prime importance.

Surprise! Another song, introducing dreamy marriage material heroine Rinky.

She’s dancing on a small lakeside stage of sorts.

We discover that this girl is Jai’s sister’s neighbour and that she likes to crack penis jokes with minors, which is not alarming at all. She calls Jai’s nephew Chhota Chooha (go figure) and he calls her Pinky for her pink undies.

Later, a handicapped girl who is friends with Jai and his nephew, gets stuck in trouble. She needs her brother to write her exams as she has no hands, but her brother can’t make it to the venue because a minister’s daughter has held up the traffic.

I refuse to believe any institution would be of no help to a handicapped person pleading for legally okay assistance on her exam. Things might not be so horrible in the real world but instances of extreme injustice, no matter how unrealistic they may seem, must be stuffed into the plot of Jai Ho to make the conclusive justice look ten times better.

The girl kills herself. Yup, no one’s on the third floor and nobody decides to pad the ground or even attempt to save the girl, but everyone is properly organised on the lower floors to cheer her on I guess.

Jai sees her lifeless bloody body on the floor and cries. He promises himself that he will bring justice to the dead girl by fighting the minister’s daughter, whose protocol cost this girl her life. Seriously that’s kind of dumb though, she wasn’t directly involved or anything. Emotionally weak girl commits suicide, that’s her problem. But, hey, fuck that. This is about justice and justice is blind.

Flash forward one minute, Jai saves a kidnapped baby. Yeah things move rather quickly in this film.

The baby’s parents are overjoyed and cannot thank Jai enough. They ask him what they can do to repay him.

With a stroke of genius, Jai gets an incredible idea. He immediately puts his plan on paper and shows everyone.

Here is the official document I managed to get from Salman myself.

THIS. IS WHERE THE HEADACHE BEGINS.

The plan is that when someone helps you, you must help three people in return and tell those three people to help three people each and so on.

Jai gets major props for coming up with this idea, almost as if it were a very practical law or something. No, they haven’t assumed that there are people like me, who will just say thanks and go watch a movie or something and forget/not give a shit about helping three people to keep the chain going.

Ever received one of those chain text messages/emails that tell you to forward them to 9 people “or God will be angry/you will die on Wednesday”? That shit is hella annoying and so are you, Jai. Have you not considered assholes like me who won’t help three people in return?

Now, every time someone helps someone throughout the movie, this shit is reiterated. I managed to suppress a few WTFs in the cinema but it wasn’t long before I could hear everyone else loudly saying “Shut uppp” “Come onnn” and “KYA BAKWAAS HAI”. That shit just got sickening. But the point still stands because here I am warning you guys to not waste your time watching Jai Ho. No, no, don’t thank me. Just help three people by guiding them away from this steamy, action-packed puddle of diarrhoea of a film.

Anyway, Jai’s sister tells gulaabi chaddi (Rinky) about how he was wrongfully suspended from the military. She immediately falls in love with him because, you know what they say, chicks with pink chaddies are easy.

This is followed by a song, which is Rinky’s daydreamgasm about being a military man’s wifey. She’s more or less a small accessory in the film, really. You know, like a pink charm hanging from a cellphone? Yeah.

On we go, and Jai helps another damsel in distress who is being harassed by her doctor. What happens then? You guessed it.

I don’t understand how he’s taken it upon himself to physically fucking beat people committing crimes. He isn’t a cop. He isn’t someone’s bodyguard. He’s just a dude with an army background who likes violence. We all have an army uncle like Jai, #donthate.

A few days later, minister sahab’s henchmen come to threaten Jai and his family at Wonderland, because nothing says fucking scary like a kids’ play area.

This is when we discover that Jai, along with being clinically fucking insane, also possesses superhuman powers. He manhandles ten henchmen alone. This action sequence involves not just punching and kicking but bitch-like biting and clawing.

How do you explain crashing open thick glass and wooden doors?

He follows the head henchman to the minister’s house where he stabs dudes with a pen because the pen is mightier than the fucking hockey sticks six of these guys are brandishing.

Seriously, what the fuck kind of henchmen have no guns? Where the hell are the guns? What is this, a Home Alone sequel, where all the bad guys are incredibly stupid?

And yay! The guns come out! But it’s not the minister’s guards or anything, it’s cops. They point the gun at Jai and his bitch fit comes to a halt in the blink of an eye.

Jai is put behind bars but the minister’s son-in-law comes to bail him out so he and his men can beat up Jai. They bring hockey sticks because cricket is too mainstream.

Our hero has received a number of proper fatal blows against glass, metal and concrete at his brawl at Wonderland AND his beat-up session post bail with minimal scarring. Every hockey stick in a 100km radius shattered against his head with no or little damage to him. How? Even my zits leave bigger scars than that papercut of a fucking wound on his brow.

After a good beating, Jai gets up growling like the wild animal that he is. His animalistic roar is enough to make the scores of professional henchmen around him flee in fear. He wreaks havoc, beating minister ji’s son-in-law to a mush.

This is why a good Human Resource Management department is so important. You do not want to hire incompetent people like minister sahab’s bad boys.

Later, Jai is out on a date with Rinky and his nephew cockblocks him, resulting in an overly sappy love song for some reason.

If you watch the movie, you’ll notice that this nephew has been terribly brought up and doesn’t know how to talk to his elders. I would have made this annoying little turd stand in the corner facing the wall for at least five hours.

So anyway, minister sahab attacks again and this time it’s Jai’s mom, who survives after her shunned son-in-law gives her his kidney. They are reunited in a typical early 90’s Hindi film happy family reunion way.

Upon his sister’s insistence, Jai apologises to the minister for beating up his son-in-law, but is easily agitated and ends up punching and kicking shit again. Needless to say, there is still no real security at the minister’s office. Tables are broken and daamaad ji’s ass is repeatedly kicked, whilst henchmen stand in the background chillin’.

This humiliation is too much, so the minister’s son-in-law attempts to abduct nephew Kabeer, completely ignoring the fact that Jai is the hero in this movie and will obviously fucking slay him because Bollywood.

This man has no regard for a child’s safety. He missed him by a hair.

Shit is bad. The Chief Minister (who happens to be a good guy) gets involved. He holds a meeting with Jai and the home minister.

Evil minister wants to kill the CM, blame it on Jai and become the next CM – bad idea. Too many damn goals in one go, man. Your ass is history because guess who just smashed another door…

He manages to save the mukhyamantri.

The next day the home minister declares Jai mentally unstable on TV and claims that he kidnapped the CM.

One of those things is correct.

Jai is located and henchmen are sent after him once again. They are many in number but fail in front of Jai because, at this point, I don’t even care why and how. He gets shot in the pec though, by a cop (ABOUT TIME).

Jai flees (duh) and gets into a fight with the home minister’s evil son. He even makes the guy accidentally stab his sister to death, then stabs him in the heart! If that isn’t the most metal thing ever, I don’t know what is.

The CM gets better and tells the world the truth, no complications involved. Dude killed a few people and took the law in his hands, but IT OKEI LOL.

This film should have been called “Jai, No!” for obvious reasons.

Morals of the story:

1. No matter what a feral bastard you turn into, the end justifies the means.

2. It is okay to take the law in your hands.

3. If countrymen are chill with things, all is okay.

4. Never trust your military maamu.

5. “Gando” (not to be confused with Hindi/Urdu swearword) means ‘crazy’ in Gujarati. However, both are valid if you’re using them for Sohail Khan.

6. Forward this to three people, you will get kissed tonight by the love of your life, if you don’t do it, a dead girl called Katie will appear under your bed.

If you made it through the entire film, apki Jai Ho.

Dhoom 3: A detailed pictorial summary of an incredibly shitty movie

Hey guys, forgive me for starting off a negative note but fuck Dhoom 3.

I have wanted to say that for a bit. Now that I have that off my chest, let me me save you some money by playing Dhoom 3 for you in this blog in pictures and words. Trust me, you’d rather read this than waste your money watching Dhoom 3, which in my humble opinion, should have been named more suitably, like:2

– Bikes And Shit
– Don’t Watch This
– Fuck Logic
– Worst-Year-Ender-Movie
– Stupid Cops

Or simply,

– WARNING: Contains Traces of Bandanna-Sporting Uday Chopra

[SPOILER ALERT! Although if you do decide to watch the movie, you have already chosen a spoiler.]

Let’s go!

So Dhoom 3 opens with a hazel-eyed little boy pawning his possessions for $25 in Chicago (1990).

Little Sahir (baby Aamir Khan) is doing this to save his father’s circus which will be auctioned off by the bank if they don’t have money in time.

Dad (Jackie Shroff) has other plans. He tells Sahir that he will be performing “the greatest trick ever” later that day to impress the bank guys, which will surely woo them so much, they will be forced to let The Great Indian Circus go on.

And so the father and son duo perform the coolest tricks, like, ever…in their dictionary because these were pretty basic tricks.

Seriously, a shitty magician at a kid’s birthday party can do that.

So anyway, the bank guys give their verdict.

“Tumhari aisi ki taisi” (fuck you) says Mr Iqbal, and shoots himself like the true piece of shit for a father he was, leaving brown little Sahir to fend for himself alone in hostile America.

Years later, Sahir is a well-built young man who has not changed at heart and height.

By now, Sahir has turned from a magician’s tricky son into a tricky abnormally skilled thief, who can single-fucking-handedly defy nearly all laws of physics and rob a bank in such style that dollar bills begin to rain on poor people out of all the bank’s windows. All without a ski-mask. (#LifeHack?)

This is followed by a police chase, obviously because 1) it is the second robbery at this bank, and more importantly 2) it is a great chance to stuff in bike stunts. Bikes fuckin’ rule.

Annnd to no one’s surprise, Sahir gets away with it because American cops are just so incompetent. They do, however, notice something strange about the robberies. Both the times, the perpetrator writes something in Hindi on a wall and leaves a circus-y mask.

Meanwhile in India, some goons are harassing what looks like a hanging turd.

We find out that this hanging piece of poop is actually Ali (Uday Chopra), an undercover cop. His friend Jai (Abhishek Bachchan), another equally shit undercover cop, soon comes to his rescue in the most reliable of all vehicles – a rickshaw.

Obviously these guys suck at everything, so after enough stunts have been shot with the rickshaw, Ali goes phata-poster-nikla-hero on us all with a bike.

Wait, what the fuck happened there? Ali literally had Jai’s back two seconds ago, like he was practically BEHIND Jai, but he managed to get a bike from somewhere and break through a billboard to rescue his buddy? Almost like a magic trick. He could very well be Mr Iqbal’s bastard child. Anyway…

So next we see a hot young woman called Victoria receiving Ali and Jai at an airport in Chicago. Obviously, she came on a bike because that is literally the main character of the entire film – a vehicle. Mind you, Ali can’t speak English for shit. He immediately has a crush on Victoria.

WTF are these guys doing in Chicago, you ask? Well, American cops apparently do not know jack shit about a possibly Indian robber. That is why they’ve called these two guys, who have on their professional cop records the use of a fucking rickshaw to save the day.

Ali and Jai will be investigating the bank robberies, you guys!

Meanwhile, Sahir is looking for a female dancer/singer/circus performer who has a nice butt and perky breasts a lot of passion for being in the circus. Enter Aaliya (Katrina Kaif). Sahir tells her that she will be hired if her audition is so impressive that he cannot take his eyes of her.

Obviously Aaliya chooses a very high skill-level act that truly shows her passion for song/dance and the circus. She strips.

The bank robbery investigation team has begun their investigation. For now, they know three things:
1. The robber is an Asian (Indian)
2. “He’s an amateur” (Right, Jai, he only got away with like TWO BANK ROBBERIES)
3. He’s a master of escaping.

Jai tells the bank owner that he hopes the robber strikes again as this will be the perfect chance to catch him. Then, of course, like a responsible cop, Jai goes on to saying on national fucking television that if the robber tries to rob the bank again, it would be a suicide mission.

Oh, and guess who the bank owner is…

14

So anyway, Sahir sees this on the telly, and in an attempt to draw absolutely no suspicious attention to himself, he goes to Jai and says “Main chor hoon” (I am the robber), followed by “LOL JUST KIDDING. I meant I KNOW the guy who committed this crime.”
Jai is a little suspicious now, but Sahir confirms him that he can be trusted.

He tells officer Jai that the robber is his friend and works as a circus performer. This robber stays very quiet and has been nicknamed “Chup Chaap Charlie”. Charlie masters the art of disappearing in one corner and appearing in another and this has got to be him. But no one’s seen his face (right).

Jai welcomes him to the investigation. Fucking idiot.

Sahir is no fool. He has a fucking camera installed in the button of his waistcoat. He’s taking a look at the entire bank from the inside and recording everything. They have laid out blueprints of the bank for him to conveniently memorise.

So on April 1st, Sahir tells the investigation team that he will be busy because come on, guys, it’s April Fool’s Day and he’s a circus guy. He has a show to do. But he warns that Chup Chaap Charlie will commit the bank robbery today, because that would just be so cool for a clown to pull an April 1st prank like that.

And so everyone is on high alert on April Fool’s day when….

The bank is robbed. Cops find a masked Sahir on the roof but he obviously escapes with the click of a button and some cord-work.

There is no real security down there. This guy manages to get off the cord, get on a fucking vehicle (ought to take a couple of minutes) and make a run for it. He is soon chased by tamed chimpanzee Ali, and we see lots of bike action again.

Seriously, guys, Optimus Prime could masturbate to this shit. Too many bikes.

So now, the bike chase comes to a halt on a bridge which is over a lake or something. The bridge opens up, causing Sahir’s bike to gravitate towards the police cars behind him. But you know what he does? He pedals that accelerator and VROOM VROOM VROOM jumps off the bridge into the water.

AND HIS BIKE TRANSFORMS INTO A FUCKING JETBOAT. Is this guy prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse too?

So after what seemed like an eternity of boat chasing, helicopters and cars and stuff, Sahir gets away. But the team predicts that he will be present at The Great Indian Circus today.

Sahir has renovated the shabby circus hall and a grand event is being held.

And guess who else is alive?

Afterparty: The investigation team is sure that Sahir is the robber, but to prove it, they take his shirt off and check for bullet bruises (okay?). They find nothing.

Later, Sahir is seen talking to himself in the mirror, but the mirror’s moving differently.
HE HAS A TWIN! Who also looks slightly mentally challenged and is stammering.

All that magic Dad did? Boy disappears here, reappears there? I’m glad the bank guys called BS on that.

And hello, Sahir, way to taking advantage of your mentally handicapped twin Samar, man! He got shot in the shoulder!
Also, Samar has developed a crush on Aaliya – the female flamingo at the circus.

So anyway, fucking finally, the bank owners tell it to Jai and Ali like it is.

As we all know, for every dismissed/suspended Bollywood cop who does not get back to solving the case unofficially, a kitten is killed. Of course, the guys have not given up and decide to solve the case anyway. Obviously Victoria – their fellow investigator – has decided to join them because she is just that simple-minded.

All I will tell you about this part is that Uday Chopra has been a serious fucking threat to my sanity throughout.

Jai and Ali sneak into the Great Indian Circus building dressed as (I think?) janitors. They find out that Sahir has a double who is only allowed to get out on Sundays; he stays in a “box” for the rest of the week. What kind of a selfish bastard treats his brother like a Pokemon, you ask? Sahir kind of a selfish bastard.

Anyway, on a fine Sunday morning, Jai dresses up as a hungry hobo and befriends Samar, the mentally challenged twin, at a park. And everything about this escalated rather quickly (thank God).

Meanwhile, Sahir is planning another robbery at the last branch of the Western Bank of Chicago. Okayyyy, so this huge ass Western Bank of Chicago has four branches in total… Wow, why the fuck would you even want to ruin these guys? Clearly they are not doing well at all.These bank guys must be piss-poor if they only have four branches in like three decades.

Samar is turned against his brother after his hobo friend finally shaves and pulls this shit:

I still don’t know how the words “Aaliya likes Sahir” did not give birth to one fucking grain of suspicion in Samar’s mind. He never asked how this dude found out about his bro.

And so Samar goes home and insists on performing with Aaliya on stage, because a stripper’s heart is made of gold and he wants to win it.

Unexpectedly, Samar’s performance goes very well.

And by the end of the act, Aaliya (who thinks she’s dancing with Sahir) lovingly says, “Tum toh pooray paagal ho, boss.”

AWWWWKKWWWAAAAARRRRDDDDD (since dude is legit mentally challenged).

She admits there is a spark like never before and asks Samar out. Also, she gives him some awful advice, staying true to her stripper origins.

Aaaannnd the long awaited signature Bollywood brother-rivalry-over-girl begins.

Wow, way to being a bitch, Sahir. He even slapped him a minute later!
Despite the fight, the date plan with Aaliya remains undisturbed.

Behind closed doors, an unwanted investigator, Inspector Jai Shitworth, holds a meeting with bank owner Mr Anderson and tells him about how the robbery is linked to The Great Indian Circus suicide 25 years ago.

Yeah, I don’t think Mr Anderson gives a shit.

On their date, Samar and Aaliya have had a great time. She tells him he has two personalities (one being her boss, and the other this sweet guy). When asked which side of him she likes best, she says something rather prophetic and with dual connotations.

(She doesn’t say this exactly but it’s so fitting. I love Pokemon and puns)

On his way back home, Samar bumps into his hobo friend who reveals that he is actually a cop but willing to help.

But there is a surprise… Samar is actually… SAHIR!

Sahir reveals he had been doing some detective work and found out that Samar was friends with Jai.
No one knows who to trust, everything is questionable. Questions questions questions…

Like how fucking long is this film?
Why did I ever decide to write this piece?
Why did Aamir commit this amazing careericide?
What is in the fridge?
Am I out of flaming hot Cheetos?
Is there a life after death?

While I was caught up with these mysteries, this jaadugar ki nasal Sahir somehow tied up officer Jai to a roller coaster track (wtf) and told him he was off to commit his robbery.

Jai struggles to escape as a roller coaster advances towards him, but just in time, his faithful human-friendly chimpanzee Ali shows up and unties him.

The Jadugar Bros are on their way.

As usual the SWAT team and Jai and Ali are late to the building. Sahir has already made it to the top and has released an extremely toxic gas that is making SWAT guys drop like flies! They have to be carried outside the building immediately.

That’s when Jai sees something…

Wise enough to take their SWAT masks off just a few feet away from the building are Samar and Sahir. They push a button and blow up the building.

Can I just stop and say that mankind has never seen cops as incompetent as Jai and Ali, now known to me as Sack-o-shit 1 and Sack-o-shit 2. Seriously, who hired these guys? I thought cops did well after being dismissed.

This film is not about the sheer genius of magical circus twins… Not at all. It is about the sheer incompetence of two magically shit cops, one of whom is definitely a tropical monkey.

Can you guess what happens next?

BIIIIIKE CHAAAASE!!!!

The twins are literally flying.

Of course, they escape after coming face to face with Jai and Ali, who wasted about 50 seconds making small talk with the twins.

The next morning a SWAT helicopter spots the twins in a mountainous area on top of a bridge. As soon as they speed up their bikes, someone steps out of the helicopter to shake up Samar.

The fear of having finally been caught has, for some strange reason, made Sahir look even more like a leprechaun. (Those ears, that nose?!)

Sahir decides resistance is futile and has a man-to-man conversation with ACP Jai.

He says he will surrender and give Jai evidence against himself stored in a USB too if he lets Samar go.

Needless to say, Jai, the insufferable oaf, makes the deal without checking the contents on the USB. But, anyway…
Samar and Sahir have a last conversation before Sahir surrenders… By which I mean jump off a fucking mountain bridge to kill himself.

Obviously, it cannot end like this.

OH NO THEY WON’T DO WHAT I THI–

So, guys, like I said earlier.. Fuck Dhoom 3.

Prepare Your Angus: The Hardee’s Thickburger that is all set to claim your virginity

While out and about in Karachi a few days ago, I came across some billboards that were too explicitly sexual (especially for Pakistan).

In a country where billboards containing photos of models wearing lawn are vandalised, this was just an open, suggestive invitation.

Now I couldn’t take photos myself but found these online.

MAKE SURE YOU SWALLOW... After you chew properly.

MAKE SURE YOU SWALLOW… After you chew properly.

Whoa, wait a second; what is that giant pink pout doing on that billboard? It’s certainly not selling lipstick. Oh right, it’s just a really sexy mouth opening wide to taste your the Angus – the Hardee’s Angus Thickburger which I cannot see anywhere on the billboard.

If there is one thing I’m glad about right now, it is that Hardee’s didn’t do this to sell their hot dogs. I don’t know whose unfortunate mouth that is, but many in Karachi have already declared it dirty (and sexy, of course).

Use both hands to hold the buns on your Angus.

Use both hands to hold the buns on your Angus.

Then came another billboards on which I saw no juicy burger oozing with molten cheese with a succulent, grilled patty in the middle. Instead, I saw a pair of hands strangling your the invisible Angus.

“Use both hands,” it demands. Now when you’re making love to a burger, it is utterly significant that you hold its bun in a sturdy grip to ensure complete taste bud pleasure.

Then came the third and final billboard.

unbuckle

There are a few rules for enjoying a burger, but the most important rule is to first expose yourself to the burger in order to develop a bond of raw, animalistic (food) passion. You should do this out of courtesy yourself, however, if your burger is a bold one and asks you to do it, remember to be polite and unzip that fly. No regrets, just love. Let your burger know that your body is ready.

Now, it is of prime importance that you sort out your beliefs regarding adultery before you eat this burger, which I have not seen yet because it isn’t on the billboard. I sense potential zinna (adultery) fatwas brewing.

Hardee’s site tells me that it looks like this:

My Angus is for sale. Love, Hardee's.

My Angus is for sale. Love, Hardee’s.

Shit girl, that burger looks so good, it’s practically haraam.

The great thing is that when you devour the Angus Thickburger, you can say “That’s going straight to my ass and I don’t mean I’ll get fat!” and wink at your friend because everyone loves innuendos and puns.

This gave rise to the sometimes misunderstood pervert burger meme which is not really a meme because I just made it. Seriously, this is the first time you’ll see it, it’s not popular at all.

Hahaha, damn, Angy, I thought you were going to grab my butt or something.

Hahaha, damn, Angy, I thought you were going to grab my butt or something.

Oh yeah sure thank-- AW HELLZ NAW.

Hey, I’m terrified, Angus, stop it.

COKE

I am your slave, Angus.

Now available in hamburger flavour to get the ladies screaming.

Now available in hamburger flavour to get the ladies screaming.

I'd nom that.

I’d nom that.

#JustBurgerThings

#JustBurgerThings

This burger, which I am yet to see on a billboard, is coming soon to raid your pretty mouth, and Jean-Claude Rob Van DAMN, am I looking forward to it.

This was gross but clever advertising. Hardee’s, you cheeky bar-stud, you knew far too well that people were going to write and tweet about this. I’ll be waiting for a free limited edition Angus from you.

So, Pakistan, on a scale of 1 to 10, how prepared is your Angus for the Angus Thickburger?