90’s Pictorial Film Rewind: Kuch Kuch Hota Hai

For 90’s bolly kids like myself, life would never have been the same if it wasn’t for this particular movie. I know how to weave a friendship band. And I know you probably owned a “C_O_O_L” necklace like Rahul at some point in your life, too.

Today we’re rewinding Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, because rare things feel as good as a solid kick to the childhood.

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai is a beautiful story about the triumph of conformity over everything else. It is a heart-touching film experience which strengthens your ancient beliefs — don’t be yourself, especially if you’re a woman. By the end of KKHH, one finds themselves saying “Jeet hamesha p̶y̶a̶a̶r̶  sari ki hoti hai” (L̶o̶v̶e̶  sari always wins).

As we have learned, all 90’s Bollywood super hits start with a scene where someone’s reminiscing about the good days. That’s what happens here. We see a very sad Rahul (SRK, duh) standing near a burning chittha, mourning the loss of his wife, Tina, who died soon after childbirth.

Tina left 8 letters for her newborn daughter and asked Rahul’s mum to give one letter to her on each of her 8 birthdays.

We are fast-forwarded into Mumbai 8 years later. Rahul and Tina’s daughter Anjali has grown to be a total doll! A beautiful Cabbage Patch Kid doll…

She wants to be a VJ when she grows up …..LMAO!

Anjali and daddy are fascinatingly close to each other. She has to help him do everything – even shop for his clothes.

Daadi (Rahul’s mum) is a religious woman. She often delivers religious sermons on bringing up children to women in the neighbourhood.

Kid is kind of annoying but no one says anything to her because she is motherless. Everyday things remind this poor child of her motherlessness. One day at a junior talent show in school,  THIS happens. #AllMyFeels…..

Daadi tells Rahul he should remarry but he believes marriage only happen once. #YOMO

Anjali’s eighth birthday arrives and she finally gets to read the last letter her mum wrote to her.

We are taken back in time, to the life of a young college-going Rahul Khanna and his annoying best friend with an unspecified gender, Anjali Sharma. Imagine dealing with this every morning.

They’re practically always fighting. Anjali fucking DETESTS having a perfectly good female reproductive system. She gets quite pissed if you remind her she’s a woman. Actually, she’s pretty much always pissed.

This is not even her final form, guys.

The amount of shit St Xavier’s college gives about Rahul and Anjali’s fights is enough to help grow crops in farms across India. If only all this time and energy was invested preparing for a test, these guys would have jobs in places other than McDonald’s in the future.

Seriously, why the fuck are these guys so excited? What is so exciting about this, please explain.

Rahul and Anjali have trouble functioning without each other, despite not being able to stand each other.

Next we meet Riffat Bee, who is Anjali’s… caretaker? I don’t know but she looks after a bunch of girls and she’s the only person who knows wassup.

And after this, we meet potential rape apologist and college principal, Mr Malhotra, who firmly believes girls wear short skirts to excite men.

Mr Malhotra’s daughter Tina (Rani Mukherjee) has arrived from London. She quit Oxford to join St. Xavier’s college in India. Yup. Brilliant decision. Exactly why your dumbass shouldn’t be at Oxford.

Rahul is struck by Tina’s beauty, but the narrow-minded misogynist shitnugget in him is standing in the way.

But soon, Tina proves her mettle and qualifies as sanskaari bahu/biwi material. A hymn is a surefire way to win most desis’ hearts.

Got caught shoplifting? Break into a hymn.
Bad grades? Hymn your way out.
Rishta time? Hymn swag.

In English class, a little bit of inefficient hinting on Rahul’s part leads to this massive misunderstanding.

Lots of our favourite songs happen while strengthening this misconception further….Koi Mil Gaya!

Rahul and Tina’s love is blooming. Anjali is as relevant as stick-on nails on a rabbit.

Anjali begins to get overly possessive about Rahul, which is LOLworthy and not something you need to acknowledge. Her realness ain’t shit compared to Tina’s sanskaar-skirt combo. Dat shit KILLAH.

As you would expect, Anjali’s attempts to become Rahul’s main squeeze go in vain. Dressing up girly, trying to be nice — nothing works. She’s always the pichwaara of all jokes and is forever going to be in the bro-zone.

Heartbroken to see Rahul and Tina in love, Anjali decides to leave the college and go to another city, back to her family. I’ve been bro-zoned before, that shit does make you want to move to another city.

90 minutes of film later, Anjali (Rahul’s daughter) gets done with reading her mum’s letter. She’s eight. Who the fuck writes a novel for an eight-year-old? You guessed it – Tina.

Of course Tina mummy hasn’t taken into consideration that it has been EIGHT FUCKING YEARS. Anjali is probably married and has three kids. Or she’s dead. Or has moved to Vegas. But oh well.

Little Anjali asks her dad about his college BFF Anjali and he tells her what she was like.

Anjali Sharma has finally turned into every other girl. By defeating her actual sporty personality after years of struggle, she is perfect bahu material. But UH OH. She’s getting engaged to Aman (Salman Khan).

Meanwhile, little Anjali and her grandparents are trying to trace back big Anjali. From school records to going to Riffat Bee, they try everything.

When they reach Riffat Bee’s house, she’s obviously praying because believe it or not, that is all us Muslims do in films.

Aunties pray on janamaaz, and uncles (often called Kareem Chacha) wear skullcaps and hold rosaries for fashion.

Luckily, Riffat Bee tells them where Anjali lives and that she’s getting married in a week. But then Little Anjali begins to pray and somehow, Big Anjali’s wedding is delayed until December.

Religious daadi ji is going to whoop her ass when they get home for sure.

Not only is the wedding delayed but we also find out Big Anjali is considering this entire thing a compromise and isn’t in love with Aman.

Big Anjali goes to a summer camp in Shimla every year to teach kids dancing and singing. Being a stalker from the womb, Little Anjali is obviously on her way to that summer camp now.

Meanwhile, Rahul and Aman bump into each other at a conference over a “Anjali calling” mix-up at the hotel’s reception. And Aman’s just… weird. This is not how you start a conversation.

Anjali meets Anjali at summer camp. Creep that she is, the kid doesn’t spare a minute before freaking out her teacher.

Through a TV show where “love messages” are being sent out, Big Anjali realises Little Anjali is Rahul and Tina’s daughter. She also misses another huuuge ass misconception by a hair.

Little Anjali fakes being ill, making concerned father Rahul catch the first flight/truck/train to Shimla. He sees Anjali at the summer camp… Big Anjali. #HawtDamn

A fews days later, Rahul’s male superiority complex kicks in again and he declares that women cannot play basketball, thereby earning a basketball match with Anjali.

They both cheat a little and Anjali loses.

And soon, they start getting attracted to each other. By “soon”, I mean over one 3-minute song.

Hell, things even get kind of steamy on rainy night.

In the middle of the mating dance, Anjali realises she’s engaged and runs into the woods crying. You know, because that is the right thing to do. There, she confesses her love for Rahul to… herself. Or this tree.

I have a few questions at this point. How did this Rottweiler get here? No, not to Shimla, I mean this particular tree in the middle of the woods. Is this man a dog? How do you trace a person clung to a tree in the woods on a rainy dark night? Shit, I can barely see my own hand when it rains.

Also, why did he not ask WTF Anjali was doing confessing her love to a tree? Why would you say “I love you too” to her unless you are this tree?

Even on other notes, Aman is beyond annoying and scary. He often gives you those “I love you but may kill one day” vibes. And I think he’s drunk most of the time.

Mind you, Rahul is shady as fuck also. Upon discovering Aman is Anjali’s fiance, dude totally acts like nothing happened last night.

Little Anjali tries everything she can to stop this union from happening.

Everyone’s tricks fail and Anjali leaves the camp early, looking forward to her wedding. Even the quiet Sikh kid who is always counting stars can’t stop her. Yes, that one kid who came to camp to get sky fuckin’ high, clearly.

Rahul gives Anjali a red chunri she once gave to Tina. Did he pull it out of his ass? Does he always carry it? #fuckreason

Anjali takes it and leaves. Rahul’s life sucks. It’s ALWAYS like this when he’s in a movie with Kajol.

Anjali goes home and insists on getting married as soon as possible. But Rahul has not entirely given up, so they go to Anjali’s wedding, only to do this. What a tease.

Forget everything. May I ask where the fuck this balcony is? Tower of The Skies? Why is there an unnerving number of stars in the sky? Was this wedding held on Hubble’s lense? Questions questions, no answers.

Now that Rahul and his uninvited family have officially stunk up this bhalli changi wedding — with Anjali crying, her mum getting uncomfortable, and Aman getting mad suspicious — these bitches decide it is okay to leave. Thanks a lot for that, guys. Poor Aman, getting in the middle of your bitch tantrums.

Aman, who can sense what is wrong (as can everyone at the wedding) gets up, grabs Anjali by the arm and tells her what she should do. She makes an assessment.

OMG DUH. I would pick Rahul in a blink too. SOOO CUTE. So what if it took 8 years, a daughter, lots of saris, lots of make-up, Tina’s death, a destroyed wedding and a forced meeting for him to realise he was in love?

Also, Aman’s sense of humour, my god, ew. Who cares if he’s nice enough to sacrifice everything for Anjali’s happiness? I’d rather he marry that basketball he was eyeing earlier.

Guess he wasn’t A-man enough for her (haaaaaaaaaaaa).

So that is that. Hope you all learned a few things:

– You have to be selfish sometimes.

– Wear saris. Saris are fkn rad, boys love that shit.

– No skirts for good girls unless you can pair them up with a hymn. #summercollection

– Pick Shah Rukh, always.

– Bad boys win

– Don’t write long letters to 8-year-olds. In fact, avoid any interaction with children.

 

Twitter: @SheikhImaan
Facebook: Imaan Say
Email: contactimaan@gmail.com

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90’s Pictorial Film Rewind: Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge

I know, I know. I am attempting to ruin your favourite film; don’t kill me. I like it too. It’s every desi’s favourite film. And, well, why shouldn’t it be? It’s over three fucking hours long, and god knows how we love to make up for the short things in our lives with long ass movies.

I have decided to rewind Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge.

DDLJ opens with a sad shot of fobby store owner London dad Baldev (Amrish Puri) feeding birds while reminiscing about India after having reached the stars in Vilayat.

Oh, and he’s totally trippin’ balls.

While uncle is busy seeing shapes in the sky, let me introduce you to his family.

Meet annoying smartass 12-year-old Chutki, who ideally should have been killed by Paresh Rawal in King Uncle, and max Punjabi mummy jee, Lajjo.

Of course, this family is uninteresting as shit without Simran, the teenage dreamy daughter whose hormones are through the fucking roof and who likes to read out sensual poetry about boys to her mother.

Next, Simran — whose lover has the same existential status as the Flying Spaghetti Monster — is seen getting out of the shower after unspecified activities which lead her to fantasise further about this lad she has been in love with.

Now we get to have a first look at dream boy Raj. In all honesty, brotha looks hella fucking violent.

However, daddy dearest has other plans. He decides to marry her off to a friend’s son, Kuljeet, in India. The family finds a very interesting way of breaking the news to Simran.

Soon Raj (who actually exists, by the way, and is very rich) enters the scene. He goes to Baldev’s store and cheats him into opening the store past closing time just to get some beer, managing to get mad permanent hate in Baldev’s eyes.

Simran, who is absolutely fucking chill with the idea of marrying a total stranger at this point, wants to live her life and seeks her dad’s permission to go to Europe.

But dad is not asshole enough to not let his daughter go on a trip. He’s ONLY asshole enough to raise her in the west and marry her off in India to a complete stranger. He grants her permission to tour Europe with her friends.

Simran and Raj are on the same train (duh, this is an Indian movie. The force is always with love). They finally meet and Raj tries to hit on Simran (duh, this is an Indian movie).

Soon after telling Raj she doesn’t go to parties, Simran meets Raj at (can you guess?) a party of course. He plays the piano impeccably while dancing with Urmila Matondkar clones.

Long story kinda-short, Raj and Simran fall in love because the first step to falling in love is public humiliation. They miss a couple of trains, get drunk, have fun, almost get laid in a barn.

Now I understand this is the 90s, but what the fuck are you wearing, Simran? You look like a Fresh Prince-y Lil’ Kim at a Church.

 

Simran finally breaks the arranged marriage news to Raj, who is heartbroken… And also like WTF.

The trip is over. Everyone goes home with the realisation that they are in love with each other. It is said that they also took a lot of drugs on the train back home because both of them were seeing each other everywhere for, like, a whole fucking day.

High on love, Simran tells her Ma everything. But both of them have too many goddamned blind spots in each eye because dad is standing right there, 3 feet away from them, listening to the whole conversation. He’s not even hiding behind something. He’s just standing there tall and visible as fuck, but you know what they say, love is blind.

Meanwhile Raj tells his dad all about the girl with questionable fashion choices who he fell in love with in Europe.

Simran has already flown to India where her wedding is being planned. Kuljeet, Simran’s to-be husband, is a complete asshole who kills little wabbits and birdies. :<

Simran is barely surviving the ceremonies and her grandma can tell she’s unhappy, so she decides to ask her son Baldev.

It doesn’t take Raj very long to get to this village he has never heard of.

Raj’s master plan includes befriending Kuljeet, entering the shaadi house and slowly trying to impress Simran’s dad so that he agrees to wed his girl off with him. That sounds like a totally shit plan to be honest. It’s like going to someone else’s birthday party and hoping you will figure out a way to make it your own if you are nice enough to everyone.

He rescues Kuljeet from this one thing and, wouldn’t you know it, they become best friends forever. You need to watch this scene if you have not. For a hunter, Kuljeet has the agility of a fried egg.

Raj lies about setting up a Stroh’s beer factory (mad product placement BTW) in the village and Kuljeet’s fam instantly falls in love with him because money and beer tune in well with us Punjabis. His sister develops a crush on Raj.

But Baldev (Baou Ji) knows wassup… He immediately recognises Raj.

Raj struggles to impress everyone at the house. Apparently, thaalis/trays are excellent props when you’re trying to impress old desis.

It is clear that the family is quite impressed because they want to marry Kuljeet’s sister Preeti to Raj.

By now, the awkward caressing just looks like a fucking family tradition.

So anyway, Raj’s dad (he calls him Pops) decides to come meet him in India and his hat choices appear to be inspired by the cartoon character Strawberry Shortcake.

He accidentally asks the family for Preeti’s hand because he’s incredibly stupid and wears, like, 4 fucking layers of clothing in Punjab’s scorching heat. He’s still in London in his head, I guess. Is this a desi uncle thing? For their heads to be somewhere else?

Anyway so, they try to get things under control while the fam is still celebrating. Everyday is a new family function.

Kuljeet’s sis shows off these complicated-cool dance moves. Watch out, Step Up 5.

Breakin’ your neck like

Pops meets probable future bahu and approves in a minute.

But he’s enjoying his trip because he’s spending a good amount of time hitting on Simran’s older unmarried aunt.

Soon, Simran’s mom Lajjo sees Raj and her secretly meeting (in the fucking open, on the terrace in a shaadi ka ghar, fucking geniuses).

She decides Raj and Simran should run away but Raj has a huge moralistic turd up his ass.

Baou Ji and Raj begin to bond over important things…like wild pigeons and inefficient medicine of the ancients.

But thanks to daadi’s illness, the shaadi is now going to happen a week prior to the set date. Raj’s plans are failing.

His dad tells him there is no way out but to kidnap Simran and flee to London.

With the secret-keeping ability of a cornflake, Simran leaves a picture of Raj and herself from the Europe vacation near an open window. The photograph flies away and finds itself in the hands of Mogambo Baou Ji.

Raj realises nothing will work. On the day of the wedding, he decides to leave but on his way out, this happens…

It doesn’t end here. Baou Ji basically goes fucking Ehonda on Raj. Heck, even kind of looks the part.

Hundred Hand Slap attack later, Raj proceeds to apologise to everyone and then leaves for the train station.

Sorry is not enough. It is time for some action. Kuljeet and his goons grab the most threatening weapons in all of India (wooden sticks) and start beating Raj up at the station.

I told you Daddy Shortcake was nothing but a liability.

Anyway, so in like 4 minutes, everyone from the Haveli shows up. Girlses, boyses, uncles, aunties. Everyone.

Raj and his dad get on the train which is just in time because everyone just got done throwing up blood and breaking bones. The family stays there and watches because you have to walk your guests outside; it’s a desi tradition. We fucking love tradition, okay?

Simran begs Baou Ji to let her go but Baou Ji is the kind of man who even holds his farts in because he has the authority to — talk about letting a whole person out.

And just like that, we see the perfect Hindi film ending.

The train is the actual hero in DDLJ.

(Shhh. I adore this movie)

 

Twitter: @SheikhImaan
Facebook: Imaan Say
Email: contactimaan@gmail.com

10 Relatable-Reactive 90’s Bollywood Film GIFs

I had to make these. Like, it was mandatory.

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Straightening out when your dad walks in like

Chachi 420

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Leaving your sibling out of all the fun like

Andaz Apna Apna

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Asking your ma for money like

Raja Babu

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Speed-cleaning your room before mom arrives like

Chachi 420

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Never leaving the house because this always happens like

Raja Babu

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Having to tell someone off gracefully like

Baaziger

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Stalking your crush on Facebook like

Baaziger

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Welcoming the weekend like

Rangeela

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Not giving a fuck like

Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar

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Having to smile at someone you absolutely fucking loathe like

Andaz Apna Apna

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Twitter: @SheikhImaan 
Facebook: Imaan Say 
Email: contactimaan@gmail.com

Jai Ho: A detailed pictorial summary of an incredibly shitty movie

Since I like helping people, I have pledged to invest time and money into watching terrible movies so I can warn others not to.

I went to watch Jai Ho last night.

Jai Ho is an excellent compilation of action sequences. Film critics claim that there is a plot somewhere in there too which I failed to see because I’m new to this. They say it’s the remake of a Telugu movie called Stalin, but at max it is a compilation of fight scenes and every early 90’s movie cliché ever.

If Dhoom 3 gave you a headache, Jai Ho is capable of giving you a highly malignant brain tumour because the former was one long lame story, but Jai Ho is a clusterfuck of too many little stories stuffed into a sorry excuse for a movie.

It all starts in a nightclub where bad music is playing, butts are swinging, and some chick is getting roofied by a bunch of ugly guys.

A girl calls the police and some feisty cops show up, who don’t squander the chance of grinding against some sexy nightclubbin’ babes before they attend to the problem at hand. Credits are rolling throughout the song.

But then something comes up that reminds me that getting through this film will be a punishment more than a challenge……

It is too late now…

So anyway, not to my surprise, those cops never arrested the potential rapists, who arrived the next day to kidnap the girl. The policewallahs even gave them the girl’s address because sharing is caring.

Here we also meet Crazy Aunty who is thrilled by the idea of being abducted by rich lads.

She lets the girl get kidnapped with a smile on her face because the abductors’ biggest nightmares is just a phone call away.

Enter ex-army officer, slow learner and brave rabies sufferer… Jai!

He smashes their car’s bonnet in with a bare fist and beats them black and blue in a long action sequence (which is only the beginning of more long action sequences).

Oh yeah, he bites.

After kicking an unbelievable amount of ass and feeding on human arms, it’s time to dance of course! Jai is joined by a surprise dhol band and surprise break dancers/cheerleaders. They all break into a very early 2000’s Missy Elliot music video-ish dance, except this song is loaded with socio-economic-political messages about how bad things are in the country. Seriously, dude managed to address to, like, 80% of India’s problems.

A couple of hours later when this song actually ends, we see that the crazy aunty we met earlier is Jai’s mom, who is keen on getting him married (obvious desi mom trait is obvious). However, they are not a very happy family because Jai’s sister, played by Tabu, married a man she loved despite her mother’s intense disapproval.

In fiery vengeance, mommy decides she will at least wed her son off with a girl of her own choice because winning is of prime importance.

Surprise! Another song, introducing dreamy marriage material heroine Rinky.

She’s dancing on a small lakeside stage of sorts.

We discover that this girl is Jai’s sister’s neighbour and that she likes to crack penis jokes with minors, which is not alarming at all. She calls Jai’s nephew Chhota Chooha (go figure) and he calls her Pinky for her pink undies.

Later, a handicapped girl who is friends with Jai and his nephew, gets stuck in trouble. She needs her brother to write her exams as she has no hands, but her brother can’t make it to the venue because a minister’s daughter has held up the traffic.

I refuse to believe any institution would be of no help to a handicapped person pleading for legally okay assistance on her exam. Things might not be so horrible in the real world but instances of extreme injustice, no matter how unrealistic they may seem, must be stuffed into the plot of Jai Ho to make the conclusive justice look ten times better.

The girl kills herself. Yup, no one’s on the third floor and nobody decides to pad the ground or even attempt to save the girl, but everyone is properly organised on the lower floors to cheer her on I guess.

Jai sees her lifeless bloody body on the floor and cries. He promises himself that he will bring justice to the dead girl by fighting the minister’s daughter, whose protocol cost this girl her life. Seriously that’s kind of dumb though, she wasn’t directly involved or anything. Emotionally weak girl commits suicide, that’s her problem. But, hey, fuck that. This is about justice and justice is blind.

Flash forward one minute, Jai saves a kidnapped baby. Yeah things move rather quickly in this film.

The baby’s parents are overjoyed and cannot thank Jai enough. They ask him what they can do to repay him.

With a stroke of genius, Jai gets an incredible idea. He immediately puts his plan on paper and shows everyone.

Here is the official document I managed to get from Salman myself.

THIS. IS WHERE THE HEADACHE BEGINS.

The plan is that when someone helps you, you must help three people in return and tell those three people to help three people each and so on.

Jai gets major props for coming up with this idea, almost as if it were a very practical law or something. No, they haven’t assumed that there are people like me, who will just say thanks and go watch a movie or something and forget/not give a shit about helping three people to keep the chain going.

Ever received one of those chain text messages/emails that tell you to forward them to 9 people “or God will be angry/you will die on Wednesday”? That shit is hella annoying and so are you, Jai. Have you not considered assholes like me who won’t help three people in return?

Now, every time someone helps someone throughout the movie, this shit is reiterated. I managed to suppress a few WTFs in the cinema but it wasn’t long before I could hear everyone else loudly saying “Shut uppp” “Come onnn” and “KYA BAKWAAS HAI”. That shit just got sickening. But the point still stands because here I am warning you guys to not waste your time watching Jai Ho. No, no, don’t thank me. Just help three people by guiding them away from this steamy, action-packed puddle of diarrhoea of a film.

Anyway, Jai’s sister tells gulaabi chaddi (Rinky) about how he was wrongfully suspended from the military. She immediately falls in love with him because, you know what they say, chicks with pink chaddies are easy.

This is followed by a song, which is Rinky’s daydreamgasm about being a military man’s wifey. She’s more or less a small accessory in the film, really. You know, like a pink charm hanging from a cellphone? Yeah.

On we go, and Jai helps another damsel in distress who is being harassed by her doctor. What happens then? You guessed it.

I don’t understand how he’s taken it upon himself to physically fucking beat people committing crimes. He isn’t a cop. He isn’t someone’s bodyguard. He’s just a dude with an army background who likes violence. We all have an army uncle like Jai, #donthate.

A few days later, minister sahab’s henchmen come to threaten Jai and his family at Wonderland, because nothing says fucking scary like a kids’ play area.

This is when we discover that Jai, along with being clinically fucking insane, also possesses superhuman powers. He manhandles ten henchmen alone. This action sequence involves not just punching and kicking but bitch-like biting and clawing.

How do you explain crashing open thick glass and wooden doors?

He follows the head henchman to the minister’s house where he stabs dudes with a pen because the pen is mightier than the fucking hockey sticks six of these guys are brandishing.

Seriously, what the fuck kind of henchmen have no guns? Where the hell are the guns? What is this, a Home Alone sequel, where all the bad guys are incredibly stupid?

And yay! The guns come out! But it’s not the minister’s guards or anything, it’s cops. They point the gun at Jai and his bitch fit comes to a halt in the blink of an eye.

Jai is put behind bars but the minister’s son-in-law comes to bail him out so he and his men can beat up Jai. They bring hockey sticks because cricket is too mainstream.

Our hero has received a number of proper fatal blows against glass, metal and concrete at his brawl at Wonderland AND his beat-up session post bail with minimal scarring. Every hockey stick in a 100km radius shattered against his head with no or little damage to him. How? Even my zits leave bigger scars than that papercut of a fucking wound on his brow.

After a good beating, Jai gets up growling like the wild animal that he is. His animalistic roar is enough to make the scores of professional henchmen around him flee in fear. He wreaks havoc, beating minister ji’s son-in-law to a mush.

This is why a good Human Resource Management department is so important. You do not want to hire incompetent people like minister sahab’s bad boys.

Later, Jai is out on a date with Rinky and his nephew cockblocks him, resulting in an overly sappy love song for some reason.

If you watch the movie, you’ll notice that this nephew has been terribly brought up and doesn’t know how to talk to his elders. I would have made this annoying little turd stand in the corner facing the wall for at least five hours.

So anyway, minister sahab attacks again and this time it’s Jai’s mom, who survives after her shunned son-in-law gives her his kidney. They are reunited in a typical early 90’s Hindi film happy family reunion way.

Upon his sister’s insistence, Jai apologises to the minister for beating up his son-in-law, but is easily agitated and ends up punching and kicking shit again. Needless to say, there is still no real security at the minister’s office. Tables are broken and daamaad ji’s ass is repeatedly kicked, whilst henchmen stand in the background chillin’.

This humiliation is too much, so the minister’s son-in-law attempts to abduct nephew Kabeer, completely ignoring the fact that Jai is the hero in this movie and will obviously fucking slay him because Bollywood.

This man has no regard for a child’s safety. He missed him by a hair.

Shit is bad. The Chief Minister (who happens to be a good guy) gets involved. He holds a meeting with Jai and the home minister.

Evil minister wants to kill the CM, blame it on Jai and become the next CM – bad idea. Too many damn goals in one go, man. Your ass is history because guess who just smashed another door…

He manages to save the mukhyamantri.

The next day the home minister declares Jai mentally unstable on TV and claims that he kidnapped the CM.

One of those things is correct.

Jai is located and henchmen are sent after him once again. They are many in number but fail in front of Jai because, at this point, I don’t even care why and how. He gets shot in the pec though, by a cop (ABOUT TIME).

Jai flees (duh) and gets into a fight with the home minister’s evil son. He even makes the guy accidentally stab his sister to death, then stabs him in the heart! If that isn’t the most metal thing ever, I don’t know what is.

The CM gets better and tells the world the truth, no complications involved. Dude killed a few people and took the law in his hands, but IT OKEI LOL.

This film should have been called “Jai, No!” for obvious reasons.

Morals of the story:

1. No matter what a feral bastard you turn into, the end justifies the means.

2. It is okay to take the law in your hands.

3. If countrymen are chill with things, all is okay.

4. Never trust your military maamu.

5. “Gando” (not to be confused with Hindi/Urdu swearword) means ‘crazy’ in Gujarati. However, both are valid if you’re using them for Sohail Khan.

6. Forward this to three people, you will get kissed tonight by the love of your life, if you don’t do it, a dead girl called Katie will appear under your bed.

If you made it through the entire film, apki Jai Ho.

Dhoom 3: A detailed pictorial summary of an incredibly shitty movie

Hey guys, forgive me for starting off a negative note but fuck Dhoom 3.

I have wanted to say that for a bit. Now that I have that off my chest, let me me save you some money by playing Dhoom 3 for you in this blog in pictures and words. Trust me, you’d rather read this than waste your money watching Dhoom 3, which in my humble opinion, should have been named more suitably, like:2

– Bikes And Shit
– Don’t Watch This
– Fuck Logic
– Worst-Year-Ender-Movie
– Stupid Cops

Or simply,

– WARNING: Contains Traces of Bandanna-Sporting Uday Chopra

[SPOILER ALERT! Although if you do decide to watch the movie, you have already chosen a spoiler.]

Let’s go!

So Dhoom 3 opens with a hazel-eyed little boy pawning his possessions for $25 in Chicago (1990).

Little Sahir (baby Aamir Khan) is doing this to save his father’s circus which will be auctioned off by the bank if they don’t have money in time.

Dad (Jackie Shroff) has other plans. He tells Sahir that he will be performing “the greatest trick ever” later that day to impress the bank guys, which will surely woo them so much, they will be forced to let The Great Indian Circus go on.

And so the father and son duo perform the coolest tricks, like, ever…in their dictionary because these were pretty basic tricks.

Seriously, a shitty magician at a kid’s birthday party can do that.

So anyway, the bank guys give their verdict.

“Tumhari aisi ki taisi” (fuck you) says Mr Iqbal, and shoots himself like the true piece of shit for a father he was, leaving brown little Sahir to fend for himself alone in hostile America.

Years later, Sahir is a well-built young man who has not changed at heart and height.

By now, Sahir has turned from a magician’s tricky son into a tricky abnormally skilled thief, who can single-fucking-handedly defy nearly all laws of physics and rob a bank in such style that dollar bills begin to rain on poor people out of all the bank’s windows. All without a ski-mask. (#LifeHack?)

This is followed by a police chase, obviously because 1) it is the second robbery at this bank, and more importantly 2) it is a great chance to stuff in bike stunts. Bikes fuckin’ rule.

Annnd to no one’s surprise, Sahir gets away with it because American cops are just so incompetent. They do, however, notice something strange about the robberies. Both the times, the perpetrator writes something in Hindi on a wall and leaves a circus-y mask.

Meanwhile in India, some goons are harassing what looks like a hanging turd.

We find out that this hanging piece of poop is actually Ali (Uday Chopra), an undercover cop. His friend Jai (Abhishek Bachchan), another equally shit undercover cop, soon comes to his rescue in the most reliable of all vehicles – a rickshaw.

Obviously these guys suck at everything, so after enough stunts have been shot with the rickshaw, Ali goes phata-poster-nikla-hero on us all with a bike.

Wait, what the fuck happened there? Ali literally had Jai’s back two seconds ago, like he was practically BEHIND Jai, but he managed to get a bike from somewhere and break through a billboard to rescue his buddy? Almost like a magic trick. He could very well be Mr Iqbal’s bastard child. Anyway…

So next we see a hot young woman called Victoria receiving Ali and Jai at an airport in Chicago. Obviously, she came on a bike because that is literally the main character of the entire film – a vehicle. Mind you, Ali can’t speak English for shit. He immediately has a crush on Victoria.

WTF are these guys doing in Chicago, you ask? Well, American cops apparently do not know jack shit about a possibly Indian robber. That is why they’ve called these two guys, who have on their professional cop records the use of a fucking rickshaw to save the day.

Ali and Jai will be investigating the bank robberies, you guys!

Meanwhile, Sahir is looking for a female dancer/singer/circus performer who has a nice butt and perky breasts a lot of passion for being in the circus. Enter Aaliya (Katrina Kaif). Sahir tells her that she will be hired if her audition is so impressive that he cannot take his eyes of her.

Obviously Aaliya chooses a very high skill-level act that truly shows her passion for song/dance and the circus. She strips.

The bank robbery investigation team has begun their investigation. For now, they know three things:
1. The robber is an Asian (Indian)
2. “He’s an amateur” (Right, Jai, he only got away with like TWO BANK ROBBERIES)
3. He’s a master of escaping.

Jai tells the bank owner that he hopes the robber strikes again as this will be the perfect chance to catch him. Then, of course, like a responsible cop, Jai goes on to saying on national fucking television that if the robber tries to rob the bank again, it would be a suicide mission.

Oh, and guess who the bank owner is…

14

So anyway, Sahir sees this on the telly, and in an attempt to draw absolutely no suspicious attention to himself, he goes to Jai and says “Main chor hoon” (I am the robber), followed by “LOL JUST KIDDING. I meant I KNOW the guy who committed this crime.”
Jai is a little suspicious now, but Sahir confirms him that he can be trusted.

He tells officer Jai that the robber is his friend and works as a circus performer. This robber stays very quiet and has been nicknamed “Chup Chaap Charlie”. Charlie masters the art of disappearing in one corner and appearing in another and this has got to be him. But no one’s seen his face (right).

Jai welcomes him to the investigation. Fucking idiot.

Sahir is no fool. He has a fucking camera installed in the button of his waistcoat. He’s taking a look at the entire bank from the inside and recording everything. They have laid out blueprints of the bank for him to conveniently memorise.

So on April 1st, Sahir tells the investigation team that he will be busy because come on, guys, it’s April Fool’s Day and he’s a circus guy. He has a show to do. But he warns that Chup Chaap Charlie will commit the bank robbery today, because that would just be so cool for a clown to pull an April 1st prank like that.

And so everyone is on high alert on April Fool’s day when….

The bank is robbed. Cops find a masked Sahir on the roof but he obviously escapes with the click of a button and some cord-work.

There is no real security down there. This guy manages to get off the cord, get on a fucking vehicle (ought to take a couple of minutes) and make a run for it. He is soon chased by tamed chimpanzee Ali, and we see lots of bike action again.

Seriously, guys, Optimus Prime could masturbate to this shit. Too many bikes.

So now, the bike chase comes to a halt on a bridge which is over a lake or something. The bridge opens up, causing Sahir’s bike to gravitate towards the police cars behind him. But you know what he does? He pedals that accelerator and VROOM VROOM VROOM jumps off the bridge into the water.

AND HIS BIKE TRANSFORMS INTO A FUCKING JETBOAT. Is this guy prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse too?

So after what seemed like an eternity of boat chasing, helicopters and cars and stuff, Sahir gets away. But the team predicts that he will be present at The Great Indian Circus today.

Sahir has renovated the shabby circus hall and a grand event is being held.

And guess who else is alive?

Afterparty: The investigation team is sure that Sahir is the robber, but to prove it, they take his shirt off and check for bullet bruises (okay?). They find nothing.

Later, Sahir is seen talking to himself in the mirror, but the mirror’s moving differently.
HE HAS A TWIN! Who also looks slightly mentally challenged and is stammering.

All that magic Dad did? Boy disappears here, reappears there? I’m glad the bank guys called BS on that.

And hello, Sahir, way to taking advantage of your mentally handicapped twin Samar, man! He got shot in the shoulder!
Also, Samar has developed a crush on Aaliya – the female flamingo at the circus.

So anyway, fucking finally, the bank owners tell it to Jai and Ali like it is.

As we all know, for every dismissed/suspended Bollywood cop who does not get back to solving the case unofficially, a kitten is killed. Of course, the guys have not given up and decide to solve the case anyway. Obviously Victoria – their fellow investigator – has decided to join them because she is just that simple-minded.

All I will tell you about this part is that Uday Chopra has been a serious fucking threat to my sanity throughout.

Jai and Ali sneak into the Great Indian Circus building dressed as (I think?) janitors. They find out that Sahir has a double who is only allowed to get out on Sundays; he stays in a “box” for the rest of the week. What kind of a selfish bastard treats his brother like a Pokemon, you ask? Sahir kind of a selfish bastard.

Anyway, on a fine Sunday morning, Jai dresses up as a hungry hobo and befriends Samar, the mentally challenged twin, at a park. And everything about this escalated rather quickly (thank God).

Meanwhile, Sahir is planning another robbery at the last branch of the Western Bank of Chicago. Okayyyy, so this huge ass Western Bank of Chicago has four branches in total… Wow, why the fuck would you even want to ruin these guys? Clearly they are not doing well at all.These bank guys must be piss-poor if they only have four branches in like three decades.

Samar is turned against his brother after his hobo friend finally shaves and pulls this shit:

I still don’t know how the words “Aaliya likes Sahir” did not give birth to one fucking grain of suspicion in Samar’s mind. He never asked how this dude found out about his bro.

And so Samar goes home and insists on performing with Aaliya on stage, because a stripper’s heart is made of gold and he wants to win it.

Unexpectedly, Samar’s performance goes very well.

And by the end of the act, Aaliya (who thinks she’s dancing with Sahir) lovingly says, “Tum toh pooray paagal ho, boss.”

AWWWWKKWWWAAAAARRRRDDDDD (since dude is legit mentally challenged).

She admits there is a spark like never before and asks Samar out. Also, she gives him some awful advice, staying true to her stripper origins.

Aaaannnd the long awaited signature Bollywood brother-rivalry-over-girl begins.

Wow, way to being a bitch, Sahir. He even slapped him a minute later!
Despite the fight, the date plan with Aaliya remains undisturbed.

Behind closed doors, an unwanted investigator, Inspector Jai Shitworth, holds a meeting with bank owner Mr Anderson and tells him about how the robbery is linked to The Great Indian Circus suicide 25 years ago.

Yeah, I don’t think Mr Anderson gives a shit.

On their date, Samar and Aaliya have had a great time. She tells him he has two personalities (one being her boss, and the other this sweet guy). When asked which side of him she likes best, she says something rather prophetic and with dual connotations.

(She doesn’t say this exactly but it’s so fitting. I love Pokemon and puns)

On his way back home, Samar bumps into his hobo friend who reveals that he is actually a cop but willing to help.

But there is a surprise… Samar is actually… SAHIR!

Sahir reveals he had been doing some detective work and found out that Samar was friends with Jai.
No one knows who to trust, everything is questionable. Questions questions questions…

Like how fucking long is this film?
Why did I ever decide to write this piece?
Why did Aamir commit this amazing careericide?
What is in the fridge?
Am I out of flaming hot Cheetos?
Is there a life after death?

While I was caught up with these mysteries, this jaadugar ki nasal Sahir somehow tied up officer Jai to a roller coaster track (wtf) and told him he was off to commit his robbery.

Jai struggles to escape as a roller coaster advances towards him, but just in time, his faithful human-friendly chimpanzee Ali shows up and unties him.

The Jadugar Bros are on their way.

As usual the SWAT team and Jai and Ali are late to the building. Sahir has already made it to the top and has released an extremely toxic gas that is making SWAT guys drop like flies! They have to be carried outside the building immediately.

That’s when Jai sees something…

Wise enough to take their SWAT masks off just a few feet away from the building are Samar and Sahir. They push a button and blow up the building.

Can I just stop and say that mankind has never seen cops as incompetent as Jai and Ali, now known to me as Sack-o-shit 1 and Sack-o-shit 2. Seriously, who hired these guys? I thought cops did well after being dismissed.

This film is not about the sheer genius of magical circus twins… Not at all. It is about the sheer incompetence of two magically shit cops, one of whom is definitely a tropical monkey.

Can you guess what happens next?

BIIIIIKE CHAAAASE!!!!

The twins are literally flying.

Of course, they escape after coming face to face with Jai and Ali, who wasted about 50 seconds making small talk with the twins.

The next morning a SWAT helicopter spots the twins in a mountainous area on top of a bridge. As soon as they speed up their bikes, someone steps out of the helicopter to shake up Samar.

The fear of having finally been caught has, for some strange reason, made Sahir look even more like a leprechaun. (Those ears, that nose?!)

Sahir decides resistance is futile and has a man-to-man conversation with ACP Jai.

He says he will surrender and give Jai evidence against himself stored in a USB too if he lets Samar go.

Needless to say, Jai, the insufferable oaf, makes the deal without checking the contents on the USB. But, anyway…
Samar and Sahir have a last conversation before Sahir surrenders… By which I mean jump off a fucking mountain bridge to kill himself.

Obviously, it cannot end like this.

OH NO THEY WON’T DO WHAT I THI–

So, guys, like I said earlier.. Fuck Dhoom 3.