When it comes to Pakistani comedy, there aren’t many performers who manage to stimulate the cortex of funny in my brain. The LOL industry is sadly dominated by those who stimulate my fist into throwing a haymaker in their face.
These guys are so horrible that you can watch their shows all alone and still feel extremely embarrassed. Now there are way too many bad comedians than one blog can contain, and I honestly don’t know the names of many, but I would like to share with you how I feel about a few of them. The every-Pakistani-comedian-ever “Tera moo paani ke saanp/Peshawri chappal/Amreekan rhino jaisa hai” joke is capable of making me physically sick and all of the following guys have cracked this joke.
The list I am sharing with you today mainly comprises stand-up comedians and a few actors. I’ve nothing against Urdu comedy in general; I think Anwar Maqsood, Hina Dilpazeer (When she’s not Momo) and Sheikh Rasheed are funny folk. Let’s keep that in mind as we go through this list, shall we?
1. Irfan Malik and Ali Hassan
You may have seen this disastrous duo on Pakistani as well as Indian TV channels. They managed to win an Indian comedy show so they must be great.
I just don’t happen to see what’s so winningly hilarious about the following joke:
Ali: Mujhe teri mangeiter pe taras ata hai.
Ali: Us ne itna puraana samaan pasand kiya
Irfan: Main kya itna puraana hoon?
Ali: Aray tu toh itna puraana hai, pehle dunya mein tu aaya, phir tere peechay kawwa tujhay dhoondta aaya KAAYE KAAYE KAAYE KAAYE KAAYE KAAYE KAAYE *FLAILING ARMS AND JUMPING BECAUSE JOKE*
My reaction: Chirping crickets followed by gut-wrenching embarrassment.
Sidhu Paaji’s reaction: “BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WAH, CHAH GAYA TU TOH!”
But it doesn’t stop there. Irfan Malik gets back at Ali Hassan by saying:
“Aray ye toh itna puraana hai, jab dinosaur ghooma kartay thay toh ye unki maalish kiya karta tha” *MOVING ARMS AROUND FOR FUNNY*
Needless to mention, Sidhu Paaji laughed his ass off over this shit.
I am 80% sure that Navjot ‘Blazin’ Sidhu is stoned out of his mind when he’s playing judge on comedy shows. No one sober should be able to laugh their lungs out over something like this. It is unnatural and worrying.
Irfan Malik’s special joke is pretending to trip/fall, because let’s face it — what’s more funny than a guy tripping (a few times in every act he ever performs)? #DOOOINK #ROFLALACOPTER
I don’t mean to sound rude but I honestly believe that Irfan Malik and Ali Hassan should choose death as an option. At least they should die in spirit. But, hey, pushing them into a well or running them over with a small tractor won’t kill anyone — just critically injure these guys if everything goes well.
2. Shakeel Siddiqui
Recently re-popularised by his appearance on morning shows — which are a stab in the heart of human intellect anyway — Shakeel Siddiqui is a Karachi-based comedian who does not shy away from cracking perverted jokes at kids’ birthday parties (I’ve been to one), make unfunny attempts of hitting on morning show hosts, and wearing dark glasses inside a studio like a true idiot.
How can you not want to punch this face? Dude is just plain annoying and makes guests on morning shows uncomfortable. I can see as they try to force a laugh but fail with an apologetic look on their face.
3. Barkat and Uzmi
Barkat and Uzmi make another horrible TV duo.
Thankfully these guys are not stand-up comedians (at least I have been fortunate enough to not see their stand-up antics). However, the bad news is that after their piece-of-shit show Halka Na Lo — which I hope not even my sworn enemies come across while changing TV channels — they have been given their own talk show. It’s called The Uzmi Barkat Show.
I won’t go into detail about these guys. Let’s just end on the note that I’m surprised the word “maila” does not translate to “Barkat Ali Siddiqui” on urbandictionary yet.
4. Kashif Khan
Kashif Khan talks really fast. That’s about it. No, guys, seriously, there are no jokes he’s cracked for me to make fun of. Unless, of course, his talking really fast is his idea of a joke?
Hey wait, maybe I can try cracking a meherbaan-qadardaan-ugaaldaan Kashif Khan joke whilst also letting you know a bit about him? Here goes, read it as fast as you can:
Who is Kashif Khan?
Hey, Sidhu Paaji, what do you have to say about THAT, huh?
Haha, really? OMG let me just do this again.
So, Sids… Let me know how you like this joke IF you can breathe at all from laughing so hard because that shit was so funny, especially the 46th time.
Hah. Thought so. You fucking maniac, Sidhu.
5. Wali Sheikh:
Let’s start off by just clarifying that I am ashamed of sharing my last name with this man, shall we?
Now for the jokes. Buckle up, guys, this man’s a funny one! Here’s an actual Wali Sheikh joke:
*talking about team mate during an act on TV show Comedy Kings*
“Ye toh itna paagal hai, iski ammi ne kaha kuch thanda pila do, is ne usay petrol pila diya!” *obviously followed by hitting his own head because that’s just so funny*
Annnd another one:
“Ye toh itna baywaqoof hai, hum jahaaz mein bethay thay, maine is se kaha air hostess khaana de toh usay paisay dena. Us ne khaana diya toh ye bhai usko 500 rupay denay gaye ke baaji paisay toh le lo!” *DRUM FUCKING ROLL FOLLOWED BY NO PUNCHLINE*
Dear Nabeel. Hi. You cannot make anyone laugh for shit. Bulbulay is already a terrible show, that’s just my personal opinion. You’re the cherry the on top of a shit sundae, especially because you produced it. And upon that unfortunate fact, you decide to play the main character. The world does not revolve around you, man. The whole breaking-your-voice-to-sound-funny thing? “JaAAaAnUuu!” Yeah, it doesn’t cut it. Also, it’s not just me. Everyone on set fucking hates you, like for real for real.
Just go back to plain old serious guy acting? Pretty please?
7. Aijaz Aslam
Aijaz Aslam is not a very good clothes designer but I forgive him for that. He’s an all right actor, so I guess that’s fine too. But as a comic character, Aijaz Aslam sucks nothing short of unwashed ass. He pulls the same thing Nabeel does — acting cute + weird baby voice + fucking terrifyingly strange body language.
Also, can someone tell me why he does this? [pic below]
What the hell is this posture, is it meant to be funny? Especially when paired with a really stupid voice? Hey come on, let’s try saying something witty for a change instead of sticking out your chest. So unladylike.
Also, you could just stick to designing clothes.
Here ends the list of the worst people in Pakistani comedy I can think of at the moment. Many of them I don’t know the names of.
Honourable mentions: Naseem Vicky, Amanullah, Parvez Siddiqi and obviously Sikandar Sanam – the epitome of fucking terribly lame. But he’s dead now so I guess he was okay, because that’s what happens when people die. They become okay and you can no longer pick jokes at them.