An Accurate And Honest Summary of “Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna”

This month, Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna — a touching story that attempts to justify cheating on loving, loyal spouses.

**LINK HERE** bzfd.it/1y4MuO1

jhooti booty

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90’s Pictorial Film Rewind: Kuch Kuch Hota Hai

For 90’s bolly kids like myself, life would never have been the same if it wasn’t for this particular movie. I know how to weave a friendship band. And I know you probably owned a “C_O_O_L” necklace like Rahul at some point in your life, too.

Today we’re rewinding Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, because rare things feel as good as a solid kick to the childhood.

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai is a beautiful story about the triumph of conformity over everything else. It is a heart-touching film experience which strengthens your ancient beliefs — don’t be yourself, especially if you’re a woman. By the end of KKHH, one finds themselves saying “Jeet hamesha p̶y̶a̶a̶r̶  sari ki hoti hai” (L̶o̶v̶e̶  sari always wins).

As we have learned, all 90’s Bollywood super hits start with a scene where someone’s reminiscing about the good days. That’s what happens here. We see a very sad Rahul (SRK, duh) standing near a burning chittha, mourning the loss of his wife, Tina, who died soon after childbirth.

Tina left 8 letters for her newborn daughter and asked Rahul’s mum to give one letter to her on each of her 8 birthdays.

We are fast-forwarded into Mumbai 8 years later. Rahul and Tina’s daughter Anjali has grown to be a total doll! A beautiful Cabbage Patch Kid doll…

She wants to be a VJ when she grows up …..LMAO!

Anjali and daddy are fascinatingly close to each other. She has to help him do everything – even shop for his clothes.

Daadi (Rahul’s mum) is a religious woman. She often delivers religious sermons on bringing up children to women in the neighbourhood.

Kid is kind of annoying but no one says anything to her because she is motherless. Everyday things remind this poor child of her motherlessness. One day at a junior talent show in school,  THIS happens. #AllMyFeels…..

Daadi tells Rahul he should remarry but he believes marriage only happen once. #YOMO

Anjali’s eighth birthday arrives and she finally gets to read the last letter her mum wrote to her.

We are taken back in time, to the life of a young college-going Rahul Khanna and his annoying best friend with an unspecified gender, Anjali Sharma. Imagine dealing with this every morning.

They’re practically always fighting. Anjali fucking DETESTS having a perfectly good female reproductive system. She gets quite pissed if you remind her she’s a woman. Actually, she’s pretty much always pissed.

This is not even her final form, guys.

The amount of shit St Xavier’s college gives about Rahul and Anjali’s fights is enough to help grow crops in farms across India. If only all this time and energy was invested preparing for a test, these guys would have jobs in places other than McDonald’s in the future.

Seriously, why the fuck are these guys so excited? What is so exciting about this, please explain.

Rahul and Anjali have trouble functioning without each other, despite not being able to stand each other.

Next we meet Riffat Bee, who is Anjali’s… caretaker? I don’t know but she looks after a bunch of girls and she’s the only person who knows wassup.

And after this, we meet potential rape apologist and college principal, Mr Malhotra, who firmly believes girls wear short skirts to excite men.

Mr Malhotra’s daughter Tina (Rani Mukherjee) has arrived from London. She quit Oxford to join St. Xavier’s college in India. Yup. Brilliant decision. Exactly why your dumbass shouldn’t be at Oxford.

Rahul is struck by Tina’s beauty, but the narrow-minded misogynist shitnugget in him is standing in the way.

But soon, Tina proves her mettle and qualifies as sanskaari bahu/biwi material. A hymn is a surefire way to win most desis’ hearts.

Got caught shoplifting? Break into a hymn.
Bad grades? Hymn your way out.
Rishta time? Hymn swag.

In English class, a little bit of inefficient hinting on Rahul’s part leads to this massive misunderstanding.

Lots of our favourite songs happen while strengthening this misconception further….Koi Mil Gaya!

Rahul and Tina’s love is blooming. Anjali is as relevant as stick-on nails on a rabbit.

Anjali begins to get overly possessive about Rahul, which is LOLworthy and not something you need to acknowledge. Her realness ain’t shit compared to Tina’s sanskaar-skirt combo. Dat shit KILLAH.

As you would expect, Anjali’s attempts to become Rahul’s main squeeze go in vain. Dressing up girly, trying to be nice — nothing works. She’s always the pichwaara of all jokes and is forever going to be in the bro-zone.

Heartbroken to see Rahul and Tina in love, Anjali decides to leave the college and go to another city, back to her family. I’ve been bro-zoned before, that shit does make you want to move to another city.

90 minutes of film later, Anjali (Rahul’s daughter) gets done with reading her mum’s letter. She’s eight. Who the fuck writes a novel for an eight-year-old? You guessed it – Tina.

Of course Tina mummy hasn’t taken into consideration that it has been EIGHT FUCKING YEARS. Anjali is probably married and has three kids. Or she’s dead. Or has moved to Vegas. But oh well.

Little Anjali asks her dad about his college BFF Anjali and he tells her what she was like.

Anjali Sharma has finally turned into every other girl. By defeating her actual sporty personality after years of struggle, she is perfect bahu material. But UH OH. She’s getting engaged to Aman (Salman Khan).

Meanwhile, little Anjali and her grandparents are trying to trace back big Anjali. From school records to going to Riffat Bee, they try everything.

When they reach Riffat Bee’s house, she’s obviously praying because believe it or not, that is all us Muslims do in films.

Aunties pray on janamaaz, and uncles (often called Kareem Chacha) wear skullcaps and hold rosaries for fashion.

Luckily, Riffat Bee tells them where Anjali lives and that she’s getting married in a week. But then Little Anjali begins to pray and somehow, Big Anjali’s wedding is delayed until December.

Religious daadi ji is going to whoop her ass when they get home for sure.

Not only is the wedding delayed but we also find out Big Anjali is considering this entire thing a compromise and isn’t in love with Aman.

Big Anjali goes to a summer camp in Shimla every year to teach kids dancing and singing. Being a stalker from the womb, Little Anjali is obviously on her way to that summer camp now.

Meanwhile, Rahul and Aman bump into each other at a conference over a “Anjali calling” mix-up at the hotel’s reception. And Aman’s just… weird. This is not how you start a conversation.

Anjali meets Anjali at summer camp. Creep that she is, the kid doesn’t spare a minute before freaking out her teacher.

Through a TV show where “love messages” are being sent out, Big Anjali realises Little Anjali is Rahul and Tina’s daughter. She also misses another huuuge ass misconception by a hair.

Little Anjali fakes being ill, making concerned father Rahul catch the first flight/truck/train to Shimla. He sees Anjali at the summer camp… Big Anjali. #HawtDamn

A fews days later, Rahul’s male superiority complex kicks in again and he declares that women cannot play basketball, thereby earning a basketball match with Anjali.

They both cheat a little and Anjali loses.

And soon, they start getting attracted to each other. By “soon”, I mean over one 3-minute song.

Hell, things even get kind of steamy on rainy night.

In the middle of the mating dance, Anjali realises she’s engaged and runs into the woods crying. You know, because that is the right thing to do. There, she confesses her love for Rahul to… herself. Or this tree.

I have a few questions at this point. How did this Rottweiler get here? No, not to Shimla, I mean this particular tree in the middle of the woods. Is this man a dog? How do you trace a person clung to a tree in the woods on a rainy dark night? Shit, I can barely see my own hand when it rains.

Also, why did he not ask WTF Anjali was doing confessing her love to a tree? Why would you say “I love you too” to her unless you are this tree?

Even on other notes, Aman is beyond annoying and scary. He often gives you those “I love you but may kill one day” vibes. And I think he’s drunk most of the time.

Mind you, Rahul is shady as fuck also. Upon discovering Aman is Anjali’s fiance, dude totally acts like nothing happened last night.

Little Anjali tries everything she can to stop this union from happening.

Everyone’s tricks fail and Anjali leaves the camp early, looking forward to her wedding. Even the quiet Sikh kid who is always counting stars can’t stop her. Yes, that one kid who came to camp to get sky fuckin’ high, clearly.

Rahul gives Anjali a red chunri she once gave to Tina. Did he pull it out of his ass? Does he always carry it? #fuckreason

Anjali takes it and leaves. Rahul’s life sucks. It’s ALWAYS like this when he’s in a movie with Kajol.

Anjali goes home and insists on getting married as soon as possible. But Rahul has not entirely given up, so they go to Anjali’s wedding, only to do this. What a tease.

Forget everything. May I ask where the fuck this balcony is? Tower of The Skies? Why is there an unnerving number of stars in the sky? Was this wedding held on Hubble’s lense? Questions questions, no answers.

Now that Rahul and his uninvited family have officially stunk up this bhalli changi wedding — with Anjali crying, her mum getting uncomfortable, and Aman getting mad suspicious — these bitches decide it is okay to leave. Thanks a lot for that, guys. Poor Aman, getting in the middle of your bitch tantrums.

Aman, who can sense what is wrong (as can everyone at the wedding) gets up, grabs Anjali by the arm and tells her what she should do. She makes an assessment.

OMG DUH. I would pick Rahul in a blink too. SOOO CUTE. So what if it took 8 years, a daughter, lots of saris, lots of make-up, Tina’s death, a destroyed wedding and a forced meeting for him to realise he was in love?

Also, Aman’s sense of humour, my god, ew. Who cares if he’s nice enough to sacrifice everything for Anjali’s happiness? I’d rather he marry that basketball he was eyeing earlier.

Guess he wasn’t A-man enough for her (haaaaaaaaaaaa).

So that is that. Hope you all learned a few things:

– You have to be selfish sometimes.

– Wear saris. Saris are fkn rad, boys love that shit.

– No skirts for good girls unless you can pair them up with a hymn. #summercollection

– Pick Shah Rukh, always.

– Bad boys win

– Don’t write long letters to 8-year-olds. In fact, avoid any interaction with children.

 

Twitter: @SheikhImaan
Facebook: Imaan Say
Email: contactimaan@gmail.com

90’s Pictorial Film Rewind: Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge

I know, I know. I am attempting to ruin your favourite film; don’t kill me. I like it too. It’s every desi’s favourite film. And, well, why shouldn’t it be? It’s over three fucking hours long, and god knows how we love to make up for the short things in our lives with long ass movies.

I have decided to rewind Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge.

DDLJ opens with a sad shot of fobby store owner London dad Baldev (Amrish Puri) feeding birds while reminiscing about India after having reached the stars in Vilayat.

Oh, and he’s totally trippin’ balls.

While uncle is busy seeing shapes in the sky, let me introduce you to his family.

Meet annoying smartass 12-year-old Chutki, who ideally should have been killed by Paresh Rawal in King Uncle, and max Punjabi mummy jee, Lajjo.

Of course, this family is uninteresting as shit without Simran, the teenage dreamy daughter whose hormones are through the fucking roof and who likes to read out sensual poetry about boys to her mother.

Next, Simran — whose lover has the same existential status as the Flying Spaghetti Monster — is seen getting out of the shower after unspecified activities which lead her to fantasise further about this lad she has been in love with.

Now we get to have a first look at dream boy Raj. In all honesty, brotha looks hella fucking violent.

However, daddy dearest has other plans. He decides to marry her off to a friend’s son, Kuljeet, in India. The family finds a very interesting way of breaking the news to Simran.

Soon Raj (who actually exists, by the way, and is very rich) enters the scene. He goes to Baldev’s store and cheats him into opening the store past closing time just to get some beer, managing to get mad permanent hate in Baldev’s eyes.

Simran, who is absolutely fucking chill with the idea of marrying a total stranger at this point, wants to live her life and seeks her dad’s permission to go to Europe.

But dad is not asshole enough to not let his daughter go on a trip. He’s ONLY asshole enough to raise her in the west and marry her off in India to a complete stranger. He grants her permission to tour Europe with her friends.

Simran and Raj are on the same train (duh, this is an Indian movie. The force is always with love). They finally meet and Raj tries to hit on Simran (duh, this is an Indian movie).

Soon after telling Raj she doesn’t go to parties, Simran meets Raj at (can you guess?) a party of course. He plays the piano impeccably while dancing with Urmila Matondkar clones.

Long story kinda-short, Raj and Simran fall in love because the first step to falling in love is public humiliation. They miss a couple of trains, get drunk, have fun, almost get laid in a barn.

Now I understand this is the 90s, but what the fuck are you wearing, Simran? You look like a Fresh Prince-y Lil’ Kim at a Church.

 

Simran finally breaks the arranged marriage news to Raj, who is heartbroken… And also like WTF.

The trip is over. Everyone goes home with the realisation that they are in love with each other. It is said that they also took a lot of drugs on the train back home because both of them were seeing each other everywhere for, like, a whole fucking day.

High on love, Simran tells her Ma everything. But both of them have too many goddamned blind spots in each eye because dad is standing right there, 3 feet away from them, listening to the whole conversation. He’s not even hiding behind something. He’s just standing there tall and visible as fuck, but you know what they say, love is blind.

Meanwhile Raj tells his dad all about the girl with questionable fashion choices who he fell in love with in Europe.

Simran has already flown to India where her wedding is being planned. Kuljeet, Simran’s to-be husband, is a complete asshole who kills little wabbits and birdies. :<

Simran is barely surviving the ceremonies and her grandma can tell she’s unhappy, so she decides to ask her son Baldev.

It doesn’t take Raj very long to get to this village he has never heard of.

Raj’s master plan includes befriending Kuljeet, entering the shaadi house and slowly trying to impress Simran’s dad so that he agrees to wed his girl off with him. That sounds like a totally shit plan to be honest. It’s like going to someone else’s birthday party and hoping you will figure out a way to make it your own if you are nice enough to everyone.

He rescues Kuljeet from this one thing and, wouldn’t you know it, they become best friends forever. You need to watch this scene if you have not. For a hunter, Kuljeet has the agility of a fried egg.

Raj lies about setting up a Stroh’s beer factory (mad product placement BTW) in the village and Kuljeet’s fam instantly falls in love with him because money and beer tune in well with us Punjabis. His sister develops a crush on Raj.

But Baldev (Baou Ji) knows wassup… He immediately recognises Raj.

Raj struggles to impress everyone at the house. Apparently, thaalis/trays are excellent props when you’re trying to impress old desis.

It is clear that the family is quite impressed because they want to marry Kuljeet’s sister Preeti to Raj.

By now, the awkward caressing just looks like a fucking family tradition.

So anyway, Raj’s dad (he calls him Pops) decides to come meet him in India and his hat choices appear to be inspired by the cartoon character Strawberry Shortcake.

He accidentally asks the family for Preeti’s hand because he’s incredibly stupid and wears, like, 4 fucking layers of clothing in Punjab’s scorching heat. He’s still in London in his head, I guess. Is this a desi uncle thing? For their heads to be somewhere else?

Anyway so, they try to get things under control while the fam is still celebrating. Everyday is a new family function.

Kuljeet’s sis shows off these complicated-cool dance moves. Watch out, Step Up 5.

Breakin’ your neck like

Pops meets probable future bahu and approves in a minute.

But he’s enjoying his trip because he’s spending a good amount of time hitting on Simran’s older unmarried aunt.

Soon, Simran’s mom Lajjo sees Raj and her secretly meeting (in the fucking open, on the terrace in a shaadi ka ghar, fucking geniuses).

She decides Raj and Simran should run away but Raj has a huge moralistic turd up his ass.

Baou Ji and Raj begin to bond over important things…like wild pigeons and inefficient medicine of the ancients.

But thanks to daadi’s illness, the shaadi is now going to happen a week prior to the set date. Raj’s plans are failing.

His dad tells him there is no way out but to kidnap Simran and flee to London.

With the secret-keeping ability of a cornflake, Simran leaves a picture of Raj and herself from the Europe vacation near an open window. The photograph flies away and finds itself in the hands of Mogambo Baou Ji.

Raj realises nothing will work. On the day of the wedding, he decides to leave but on his way out, this happens…

It doesn’t end here. Baou Ji basically goes fucking Ehonda on Raj. Heck, even kind of looks the part.

Hundred Hand Slap attack later, Raj proceeds to apologise to everyone and then leaves for the train station.

Sorry is not enough. It is time for some action. Kuljeet and his goons grab the most threatening weapons in all of India (wooden sticks) and start beating Raj up at the station.

I told you Daddy Shortcake was nothing but a liability.

Anyway, so in like 4 minutes, everyone from the Haveli shows up. Girlses, boyses, uncles, aunties. Everyone.

Raj and his dad get on the train which is just in time because everyone just got done throwing up blood and breaking bones. The family stays there and watches because you have to walk your guests outside; it’s a desi tradition. We fucking love tradition, okay?

Simran begs Baou Ji to let her go but Baou Ji is the kind of man who even holds his farts in because he has the authority to — talk about letting a whole person out.

And just like that, we see the perfect Hindi film ending.

The train is the actual hero in DDLJ.

(Shhh. I adore this movie)

 

Twitter: @SheikhImaan
Facebook: Imaan Say
Email: contactimaan@gmail.com