Since I like helping people, I have pledged to invest time and money into watching terrible movies so I can warn others not to.
I went to watch Jai Ho last night.
Jai Ho is an excellent compilation of action sequences. Film critics claim that there is a plot somewhere in there too which I failed to see because I’m new to this. They say it’s the remake of a Telugu movie called Stalin, but at max it is a compilation of fight scenes and every early 90’s movie cliché ever.
If Dhoom 3 gave you a headache, Jai Ho is capable of giving you a highly malignant brain tumour because the former was one long lame story, but Jai Ho is a clusterfuck of too many little stories stuffed into a sorry excuse for a movie.
It all starts in a nightclub where bad music is playing, butts are swinging, and some chick is getting roofied by a bunch of ugly guys.
A girl calls the police and some feisty cops show up, who don’t squander the chance of grinding against some sexy nightclubbin’ babes before they attend to the problem at hand. Credits are rolling throughout the song.
But then something comes up that reminds me that getting through this film will be a punishment more than a challenge……
It is too late now…
So anyway, not to my surprise, those cops never arrested the potential rapists, who arrived the next day to kidnap the girl. The policewallahs even gave them the girl’s address because sharing is caring.
Here we also meet Crazy Aunty who is thrilled by the idea of being abducted by rich lads.
She lets the girl get kidnapped with a smile on her face because the abductors’ biggest nightmares is just a phone call away.
Enter ex-army officer, slow learner and brave rabies sufferer… Jai!
He smashes their car’s bonnet in with a bare fist and beats them black and blue in a long action sequence (which is only the beginning of more long action sequences).
Oh yeah, he bites.
After kicking an unbelievable amount of ass and feeding on human arms, it’s time to dance of course! Jai is joined by a surprise dhol band and surprise break dancers/cheerleaders. They all break into a very early 2000’s Missy Elliot music video-ish dance, except this song is loaded with socio-economic-political messages about how bad things are in the country. Seriously, dude managed to address to, like, 80% of India’s problems.
A couple of hours later when this song actually ends, we see that the crazy aunty we met earlier is Jai’s mom, who is keen on getting him married (obvious desi mom trait is obvious). However, they are not a very happy family because Jai’s sister, played by Tabu, married a man she loved despite her mother’s intense disapproval.
In fiery vengeance, mommy decides she will at least wed her son off with a girl of her own choice because winning is of prime importance.
Surprise! Another song, introducing dreamy marriage material heroine Rinky.
She’s dancing on a small lakeside stage of sorts.
We discover that this girl is Jai’s sister’s neighbour and that she likes to crack penis jokes with minors, which is not alarming at all. She calls Jai’s nephew Chhota Chooha (go figure) and he calls her Pinky for her pink undies.
Later, a handicapped girl who is friends with Jai and his nephew, gets stuck in trouble. She needs her brother to write her exams as she has no hands, but her brother can’t make it to the venue because a minister’s daughter has held up the traffic.
I refuse to believe any institution would be of no help to a handicapped person pleading for legally okay assistance on her exam. Things might not be so horrible in the real world but instances of extreme injustice, no matter how unrealistic they may seem, must be stuffed into the plot of Jai Ho to make the conclusive justice look ten times better.
The girl kills herself. Yup, no one’s on the third floor and nobody decides to pad the ground or even attempt to save the girl, but everyone is properly organised on the lower floors to cheer her on I guess.
Jai sees her lifeless bloody body on the floor and cries. He promises himself that he will bring justice to the dead girl by fighting the minister’s daughter, whose protocol cost this girl her life. Seriously that’s kind of dumb though, she wasn’t directly involved or anything. Emotionally weak girl commits suicide, that’s her problem. But, hey, fuck that. This is about justice and justice is blind.
Flash forward one minute, Jai saves a kidnapped baby. Yeah things move rather quickly in this film.
The baby’s parents are overjoyed and cannot thank Jai enough. They ask him what they can do to repay him.
With a stroke of genius, Jai gets an incredible idea. He immediately puts his plan on paper and shows everyone.
Here is the official document I managed to get from Salman myself.
THIS. IS WHERE THE HEADACHE BEGINS.
The plan is that when someone helps you, you must help three people in return and tell those three people to help three people each and so on.
Jai gets major props for coming up with this idea, almost as if it were a very practical law or something. No, they haven’t assumed that there are people like me, who will just say thanks and go watch a movie or something and forget/not give a shit about helping three people to keep the chain going.
Ever received one of those chain text messages/emails that tell you to forward them to 9 people “or God will be angry/you will die on Wednesday”? That shit is hella annoying and so are you, Jai. Have you not considered assholes like me who won’t help three people in return?
Now, every time someone helps someone throughout the movie, this shit is reiterated. I managed to suppress a few WTFs in the cinema but it wasn’t long before I could hear everyone else loudly saying “Shut uppp” “Come onnn” and “KYA BAKWAAS HAI”. That shit just got sickening. But the point still stands because here I am warning you guys to not waste your time watching Jai Ho. No, no, don’t thank me. Just help three people by guiding them away from this steamy, action-packed puddle of diarrhoea of a film.
Anyway, Jai’s sister tells gulaabi chaddi (Rinky) about how he was wrongfully suspended from the military. She immediately falls in love with him because, you know what they say, chicks with pink chaddies are easy.
This is followed by a song, which is Rinky’s daydreamgasm about being a military man’s wifey. She’s more or less a small accessory in the film, really. You know, like a pink charm hanging from a cellphone? Yeah.
On we go, and Jai helps another damsel in distress who is being harassed by her doctor. What happens then? You guessed it.
I don’t understand how he’s taken it upon himself to physically fucking beat people committing crimes. He isn’t a cop. He isn’t someone’s bodyguard. He’s just a dude with an army background who likes violence. We all have an army uncle like Jai, #donthate.
A few days later, minister sahab’s henchmen come to threaten Jai and his family at Wonderland, because nothing says fucking scary like a kids’ play area.
This is when we discover that Jai, along with being clinically fucking insane, also possesses superhuman powers. He manhandles ten henchmen alone. This action sequence involves not just punching and kicking but bitch-like biting and clawing.
How do you explain crashing open thick glass and wooden doors?
He follows the head henchman to the minister’s house where he stabs dudes with a pen because the pen is mightier than the fucking hockey sticks six of these guys are brandishing.
Seriously, what the fuck kind of henchmen have no guns? Where the hell are the guns? What is this, a Home Alone sequel, where all the bad guys are incredibly stupid?
And yay! The guns come out! But it’s not the minister’s guards or anything, it’s cops. They point the gun at Jai and his bitch fit comes to a halt in the blink of an eye.
Jai is put behind bars but the minister’s son-in-law comes to bail him out so he and his men can beat up Jai. They bring hockey sticks because cricket is too mainstream.
Our hero has received a number of proper fatal blows against glass, metal and concrete at his brawl at Wonderland AND his beat-up session post bail with minimal scarring. Every hockey stick in a 100km radius shattered against his head with no or little damage to him. How? Even my zits leave bigger scars than that papercut of a fucking wound on his brow.
After a good beating, Jai gets up growling like the wild animal that he is. His animalistic roar is enough to make the scores of professional henchmen around him flee in fear. He wreaks havoc, beating minister ji’s son-in-law to a mush.
This is why a good Human Resource Management department is so important. You do not want to hire incompetent people like minister sahab’s bad boys.
Later, Jai is out on a date with Rinky and his nephew cockblocks him, resulting in an overly sappy love song for some reason.
If you watch the movie, you’ll notice that this nephew has been terribly brought up and doesn’t know how to talk to his elders. I would have made this annoying little turd stand in the corner facing the wall for at least five hours.
So anyway, minister sahab attacks again and this time it’s Jai’s mom, who survives after her shunned son-in-law gives her his kidney. They are reunited in a typical early 90’s Hindi film happy family reunion way.
Upon his sister’s insistence, Jai apologises to the minister for beating up his son-in-law, but is easily agitated and ends up punching and kicking shit again. Needless to say, there is still no real security at the minister’s office. Tables are broken and daamaad ji’s ass is repeatedly kicked, whilst henchmen stand in the background chillin’.
This humiliation is too much, so the minister’s son-in-law attempts to abduct nephew Kabeer, completely ignoring the fact that Jai is the hero in this movie and will obviously fucking slay him because Bollywood.
This man has no regard for a child’s safety. He missed him by a hair.
Shit is bad. The Chief Minister (who happens to be a good guy) gets involved. He holds a meeting with Jai and the home minister.
Evil minister wants to kill the CM, blame it on Jai and become the next CM – bad idea. Too many damn goals in one go, man. Your ass is history because guess who just smashed another door…
He manages to save the mukhyamantri.
The next day the home minister declares Jai mentally unstable on TV and claims that he kidnapped the CM.
One of those things is correct.
Jai is located and henchmen are sent after him once again. They are many in number but fail in front of Jai because, at this point, I don’t even care why and how. He gets shot in the pec though, by a cop (ABOUT TIME).
Jai flees (duh) and gets into a fight with the home minister’s evil son. He even makes the guy accidentally stab his sister to death, then stabs him in the heart! If that isn’t the most metal thing ever, I don’t know what is.
The CM gets better and tells the world the truth, no complications involved. Dude killed a few people and took the law in his hands, but IT OKEI LOL.
This film should have been called “Jai, No!” for obvious reasons.
Morals of the story:
1. No matter what a feral bastard you turn into, the end justifies the means.
2. It is okay to take the law in your hands.
3. If countrymen are chill with things, all is okay.
4. Never trust your military maamu.
5. “Gando” (not to be confused with Hindi/Urdu swearword) means ‘crazy’ in Gujarati. However, both are valid if you’re using them for Sohail Khan.
6. Forward this to three people, you will get kissed tonight by the love of your life, if you don’t do it, a dead girl called Katie will appear under your bed.
If you made it through the entire film, apki Jai Ho.